the essence of life

i made a mistake. there are 5 more camps to go. 6 for this month alone. from next thurs onwards, it'll be back to back. 3 out of 5 no venue. 2 out of 5 at dairy farm. i'm filled with much negativity towards camps these days. reasons being:

1. i lose having time outside working hours to do my own things. basically 1st day of camp ends at night. and 2nd day of camp ends around 5pm. latest we've gone to is 11pm for 1st day, 730pm for 2nd day. with that kind of load for 4 out of 5 working days, my energy doesn't get replenished at all.

2. my energy is sapped- both mentally and physically. i've got little energy and drive to train much these days. no wonder none others in rcel are into adventure racing nor any form of endurance sports. i guess they are like me- no energy left.

3. efforts don't always go appreciated, nor is all the work always effective. some classes feel they are already bonded and don't need a short 1.5days camp at all. if they themselves don't see a need, then why do it in the first place? i've yet to see a counsellor going to a client and telling him/her..u need counselling, please come to me now.

the entire feeling is like standing on a piece of thin ice floating in the sea. i can't run from it, i can't choose to jump off from it. filled with dread and reluctance i am made to stand on it till i see land which i can land my feet on.

deep in me, i would like to leap off, plunge into the freezing water if i have to..at least i free myself from the no-choice situation. translate that into my present situation, means i would request to leave mid-month instead of month end. but is that possible? i'm really not too sure though.

i read of the rich and beautiful in urban today and i am filled with a bad concoction of envy and jealousy. i'm envious how some can have such a luxurious life with the world circling around them..jealous how they have so much money to possess whatever they desire, splurging 10k just to dress up for a ball..while i don't even have 10k in my posb savings account. these are just the rich, beautiful and lucky ones existing in the world who probably won't know much of what it means to have the banks tax $2 admin charges on your bank account.

all i'm hoping is to get a decent job..get a decent pay..have time to train for races i enjoy.. spend quality time with my loved ones.. smile everyday and know everything will be ok.

so much things these days come with a price tag on them these days..quantified in monetary terms. i actually do want to dress up more.. get a nice hair colour and hairdo..wear pretty frocks.. enjoy spa.. have facials..but those are luxuries not in my means. i can probably just look from afar and rant.. "i don't think those are for me."

in all the bleakness, living simple isn't all that a bad thing. i'm happy with a small flat. happy just huddle around with superboy in front of the tv, eating dinner. happy just working weekends at running lab with interesting colleagues. at the heart of it all, we all just want love. to love and be loved in return. that's the essence of life. =)