it can only go up

I’ve been thankful that a few things in life are gradually picking up – we had a 21km run at rifle range and I managed to complete it without a recurrence of my hamstring strain. The challenges of this run were the hilly terrain and warm weather. I was struggling during the 3^rd lap but I kept reminding myself that I must finish this training and i can only do so if I continued moving forward. Others are in pain too, I am not alone. (I must say I am getting pretty good at positive self-talking. Haha.)

i’ll be commencing on a tuition assignment today. O levels PoA. I’m confident of my accounting foundation, just not sure if I’ll be capable of delivering it as a lesson. Nevertheless, I will try my best. The first lesson will be more of fact finding about the student, her expectations, setting goals and also assessing where she is at currently.

In addition to this assignment, I’ve also asked dearie to help me link up with his tuition kid’s parents as I hope they can consider of letting me take the Chinese assignment with max.

As I worked out my own timing, I am looking to tutor for 2 weekday evenings per week, Monday and Wednesday. Tuesday I’ll set it aside to do velocity run and Thursday for aqua aerobics/gym. Saturday mornings for runfanatics track training. Fri, sat and sun will be for studies. It’s packed but for a cause.

The discussion on Sunday with siew weng was a lot of fun. With whatever we can afford, we’ll try to work the best with it. the canvas seems really nice, and I hope if we do have a surplus from the hong bao collection, we can have one done up for our home.

There is a sense of things beginning to settle down. It certainly helps soothe the unrest within. step by step, I will move on. as long as I keep moving, I will reach the finishing line. Pain doesn’t last forever.

jia you mummy

妈，你一定要快点走出来。我希望你能快乐。这步走出来，重新开始，为自己而活。我结婚时只需要有你和哥就够了。是你抚养我长大，不是他。

awakened

I haven’t slept so much in a long while – hit the sacks at 7.30pm, though I tossed and turned for a long while, lying there for rest was good. My only guilt was skipping gym and aqua aerobics session. Despite trying hard to gather energy yesterday, I could not muster suffice to head for training. I just needed to gain some solace under my blankets and drift into the world of slumber.

Rest is good; it rejuvenates and refreshes.

Today I am ready to face the challenges again. I need to sort my time out well. first and foremost, I must put my life in place and prioritises whatever necessary. After which, I must equip all of us with what we must know about the ordeal soon to come. Lastly, I’ve got to find means to survive and become more financially stable as I need to be self sufficient for the studies I’m undertaking.

Brace yourself. What has to come, will come. I must be clear headed and calm to face them and work my best through them. Dearie and christin will be there with me. I will be there for my mum. That’s how our lives are interwoven together.

2 ends of the spectrum

evidence of economic disparity: there are now 77,000 millionaires in singapore (ST, 26 jun 08).

2 days ago we read of singapore's inflation rate hitting all 26-year high of 7.5%. fuel goes up the 13th time in less than a year. utilities goes up once more as well. the union and government are looking into helping the lower income families tide through.

maybe we should adopt a communistic rule in singapore.

quoting from wikipedia:

Communism is a socioeconomic structure that promotes the establishment of a classless, stateless society based on common ownership of the means of production.

iras please tax these 77,000 hard!

yea, i'm evil..that's because i'm an below average income earner who is struggling badly to keep up with the inflation.

i'm tired. 7:30pm. time to climb into bed. my head hurts badly. worries exhaust a person quickly.

don't turn back

We love, hoping love will be reciprocated. It’s difficult to love unconditionally because humans expect. Disappointments occur when we receive lesser to what we have hoped for.

Even if it doesn’t come back, I’ll rather he’ll just leave us alone instead of causing needless pain to us. Isn’t it tiring to live in a world of lies? One lie covers another. All eventually would come to light.

We are no fools and do not expect us to be blind to your infidelity. For once in our lives, I am going to pull her up and make her take her stand in front of you. she will walk away from you and leave the agony behind her. there is so much more in store for her. you do not deserve her and you have no rights to hurt her this way.

If you are going to hound on her, be sure there are many who will make you pay for it.

we are stronger than you can imagine. We’ll walk out and close the door behind us. No more looking back.

stay strong. I will be with you all the way.

happy bday mummy

it's 948am and i am sitting here in front of my lappie..eating baked beans with egg and typing this entry..hehehe..so shiok..don't have to work today. i'm going out at10am. a few places to go and things to survey..

i am eating my fill so that i won't have to stop to eat again till late afternoon.

got to go phoon huat to buy purchase chocolate. it's dearie's bday next sunday and i promised to bake his favourite BROWNIES! i haven't tried before so i am really praying it turns out well. then again, even if it doesn't, dearie will still gobble it down. =P

the photo on the left was the cake i baked for him to celebrate his birthday last year. i can't quite remember what cake it was..but it turned out quite pretty..didn't it? (ok..self praise is no praise..hehe)

after phoon huat i'll drop by arab street and concourse to survey flowers and ribbons..got to share findings with my "flower girls" - wendy and alicia.. we definitely got to start working on it soon..just in case it doesn't turn out too well, at least we've got time to find other options.

then i'll pop by mum's shop, drop the chocolate etc.. before heading to uni to register for the coming term.

after which i will be in town to meet mum... go shopping! (though i am on a shoe string budget)

although mummy doesn't read my blog..but i still want to do a shout-out

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my dearest and prettiest mummy!

last but not least i'll meet dearie at buona vista mrt.. head to jurong west gym for a good workout..

that's my day of leave well spent. got to run! toodaloo!

survivor part 2

I’m on leave tomorrow and I’ll be spending the day running some errands and also to go shopping with my mum. This will be a good test of self control as I must refrain from buying anything for myself and only spend on birthday presents for my parents. i was tossing with the idea of not bringing my atm card out so that I will be limited to the cash I have in my purse. However, I envisaged situations if my mum saw something more pricey that she likes but I can’t buy it for her because I don’t have enough cash..that’ll be agonizing. hence I’m going to literally put a lock on my atm card that will only be accessible for non personal purchases only.

I’ve been trying to rein my rush to find tuition assignments and reminding myself to only commit into it if timing and level are suitable. I can’t help but to feel the pressure and need to commence tutoring quickly because I want to accrue income fast. Every bit counts and I must ensure I have sufficient to pay fees each term.

I really the appreciate the many offers to help fund some of my fees but rest assure, I am competent to shoulder it on my own. It’s a choice I have made; hence I must face the demands of it myself. After all, I have managed to pay through acca on my own, I can do it once more. I remember I juggled 2 part time jobs, studying and piano lessons during those years; I survived! Surely, I can do it again. have faith in me, because I believe I can do it.

Tricia is not merely a fighter. She is a survivor too. there'll be more than 1 million prize money for me at the end of it; hence no way am i giving up =)

if chances can be bought

i find it hard to start this entry as there are numerous strands of thoughts running through my mind, which I am trying hard to document right now.

in no chronological order..

1. I had a good talk with dearie yesterday over bedtime. We talked about the wedding and studies.. I was shakened in my decision to proceed with studies..i can’t fully back it up that it will definitely ensure better job prospects. It is not a ticket to a better pay either. Yet I can only say I really want to learn relevant things to my line of work and from getting the qualification, open more doors to other options. i can’t seem to fend for myself when people ask me if this should be what is best for myself, because from my current position now, it seems that things haven’t been working too well. yes, my work now is pretty stifling and pay is not impressive. I have not achieved much worth boosting of either. I can only sit quietly in a corner and try to sought out means I can improve myself. To study is one of the means I’ve found. I can’t accelerate the years to make myself more experienced but I can make use of the time I have to learn new things which I will most probably not have the opportunity to do in my current job. By learning them, it might give me a better chance of doing them in my next job. The things I’m interested in are things that are finance related. I am in a finance exec position but I am NOT doing things of Finance nature. I am more like an accounts exec in most ways. Finance entails a lot on investments and evaluating financial decisions. Of which I am not doing any of right now.

I can’t be 100% sure this is the right course to do that’ll guarantee me a place in the finance sector. I may come out of it and still be like that. But I am investing in a chance. Just like many of us spend $2 to bet on a lucky 4 digit ticket. Can we be definite it’ll strike the lottery? No. but why are we still buying 4d? because it gives us a chance. A chance we might strike it big. A chance to win something. In my case, even if I don’t strike something big by studying, at least I am more educated and wiser when I have to make finance related decisions for myself in the years to come.

2. I attended my cousin’s wedding on Saturday night. Personally, it has put me in a turmoil of emotions. I was much envious to the beautiful things on the wedding itself. These are things I felt are not necessary, though definitely nice to have. yet when I turned and look at my mum, I really felt bad because I do not want our parents to feel “no face” because I want to scrimp and save. Dearie assured me we will try our best despite of the constraints we face.

Weddings are the only time I get to meet up with my cousins. As we don’t meet one another often, everyone seems a little distant. Sitting there listening to the conversation going on, it starkly showed how people change. I wish people can remain the way they were and needn’t change so drastically because of acquired wealth.

Grandma sat on the wheelchair and looked really frail. I wondered if she still recognized me though it seems not too long ago that I just last visited her. she was still glowing and smiling the last time I saw her; how rapidly cancer devoured the old lady in just a matter of months. despite wishing she could hold on another 5 more months to attend my wedding, I am not hopeful.

3. school term starts in july. I hope I can quickly settle into the momentum of studying and also gradually put the wedding preparations in place bit by bit. Won’t want to do last minute fire fighting on this.

4. track training with runfanatics was really good. my hamstring didn’t give me much problems! Yay! Instead of joining Isabel for 400m sets, coach had me do tempo runs on the grass field. By doing so, my hamstring didn’t hurt much. we then proceeded to do weights+cardio sets which I felt pushed me hard. I sprinted the 70-80m as hard as I could and when I did so, it really left me feeling good, though tired. I look up to coach a lot and I appreciate his dedication and time to our group. All from runfanatics group should try and attend his training if you are serious about improving.

5. dearie’s parents came by during the weekends to firm the wedding plans. I really appreciate their time and effort to come all the way to Singapore. =) we went shopping, baked chocolate cake and ate quite a fair bit!

6. I registered in the first tuition centre today. After perusing classifieds for the last week or so, I conclude that the only job I can take up is tutoring. Retail will be tough because most would require commitment on the weekends, which I can’t do so due to classes. Tutoring gives me greater flexibility in time and I can slot in tuition classes on weekday evenings. I am throwing away all my reservations about tutoring and I just want to give it a shot. I was fretful because the last assignment I had was tougher than I had expected it to be. My task was to tutor an accounting poly student. She was kind of expecting me to know things at my finger tips, which I wasn’t able to because school syllabus are not the everyday things we do at work. their syllabus is abit like foundation level of ACCA which I have given most back to my lecturers since graduating from that level more than 7 years ago.

This time I will opt to teach sec school accounting, which is more straight forward. I’ve also checked the Chinese box for lower and upper primary. Let’s see if I can gather any assignments.

Dearie is right. We are young and we ought to work hard. we can’t just wait for things to come to us nor wait for it to drop from the sky – it won’t happen. I am not going to wait anymore. For me, it’s not just walking towards my goal, I must RUN to it.

"Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it." Lou Holtz

part time job possibilities

in my attempt to find a part time job, here are some which crossed my mind (in no particular order)

part time maid

car washer (without the superman suit)

sales girl

pump attendant

tutor

the easiest of the lot, ba zhang?!?

maid for hire

part time maid for hire

$10/hour

vacuum floor, mop floor, wash toilets, iron clothes and even walking your dog.

in attempt to earn more to save and finance studies, i am offering part time maid service. i was told by ling she pays her part time maid $300+/month for once a week clean up of her place.

wa lao! better than working in retail line. i want to be a part time maid too!

open sesame!

tricia finds her hard-sought open door! i'm elated to receive an email from the university to inform me that i've been offered a place in their masters programme!

yipeeeeeee!!

i was jumping in joy as i called dearie, mummy and messaged christin & chia tien. in that order. these are the people who have been standing by me in my search for an opportunity to study and they are exactly the first people whom i want to share my joy with.

it's going to be an arduous path down education lane. i would have to lay aside alot of my other stuff to make sure i justify being offered a place despite not having exactly what the university is looking for. (i don't have a degree to begin with)

i promise myself i'm going to work hard and make my time, effort and money worth.

meantime i've got to hang on to this job though my supervisor isn't the best i can ask for. but this job gives me the time and flexibility to juggle studies. hence i've just got to tahan her "face colour", knowing i'm only staying for a greater cause.

as i've done a budget, i should have enough to pay through my school fees without having to take up a part time job. but that'll mean i'm scrapping off the minimum - spending on only what i need. i'll be tapping into the savings i've built up and each month i'll be left with almost no savings, until i graduate. that's the price tag to it.

i'll have to cut back on some training, only keeping to those i can do in my own time. i'll probably have to set triathlon and adventure racing aside for a while. with the time i have, i think i can only spare enough time for running.

there is a need for me to take up some ad-hoc assignments to earn a little more, therefore, my next move will be to venture into tutoring. this is something i can do after work, which earns me decent money. that also translates into lesser time for training.

that's the price to pay i guess. we get some, we lose some. but i'm going to run this race and once i start, i won't stop until i reach the finishing line. =)

crystal ball required

Like a bird with a broken wing, that’s how tricia feels whenever her injury recurs. It often leaves me limping and sucked into a vortex of frustration.

It’s probably one of the lowest points in my training life right now. Seems like I’ve been reverted back to the days when I couldn’t run properly after the bike accident. I struggled to finish 10km as I slowed down to prevent the pain from coming in too soon. It feels lousy coming in like a granny lumbering.

Office politics is getting complex; I suddenly don’t know who to trust. Perhaps there is no one to trust at all. Humans playing the game of office politics would fend for no one but them selves. I’m still falling prey of being too forth right. I must protect myself and stay on the neutral base. Zip up my mouth and just roll along. My plan is to stay till the bonus pay-out or if I can, till I hit the 2 years mark. I’m withering away here but i’m still going to persist and hang on. in the worse situation at Carrefour, I managed to stay there for 7months. It’s just a mere 6 months to bonus and 10months to another full year. Gee, thought of it does feel a little far to behold at the moment.

In the meantime, I am putting my attention on other things so that it eases the sore at work.

Should I jump onto the wagon of learning make up? the rationale behind wanting to do so is to equip myself with some skills to do makeup for myself and also for my big day. However, knowing I’m never a person good with grooming, I am a little hesitant to spend the few Ks on it.

On a broader perspective, this can become a sideline for additional income too. That’s only if I get very good at it and the door would open for me to start a client base. I’m not too sure how that’ll run along because to become really good at it will require extra effort for someone like myself. When talent is not inherent, it’ll fall back to hard work. just how much effort am I going to put into it? what do I see at the end of the line? Would it be worth the effort, time and money?

The end point is inconclusive; fuzzy to sight. It’s a wild stab in the dark for something I cannot even see.

Moreover, if the amount would jump backwards by 1 decimal point, then I probably won’t fear jumping onto the wagon. Even if it doesn’t turn out into a sideline path, at least I’ll acquire skills that’ll benefit me in the long run.

But because the course is expensive, the equipment required is expensive and things related to it don’t always come cheap, hence I am thinking it through and through.

At such rate of procrastination, I’ll end up not doing it after all.

Decisions decisions decisions..why can’t we have a magic crystal ball that gives glimpses into the future?

June Short Break Part 3

when we got back to segamat, we played wii!

and sang karaoke..

that's what i call holiday!! =D

June Short Break Part 2

after dinner, our surprise for mum as it was her birthday

wendy and dearie at the hotel corridor waiting for the moment!

the family photo!

i was wondering why are 4 persons surrounding the boxes of chocolates..like playing mahjong!

and we played uno together!

June Short Break Part 1

the photos as promised!

when we got to Federal Hotel

Dad with Kong-Ba wrapped in mantou..slurpo!

The family at Esquire Kitchen, KL

Last man surviving. When everyone else had their fill and moved off, dearie was still there clearing up the rest. =P

let the good times roll

3 days of fun, food and laughter passed swiftly and before we all noticed it, I’m already back at my workstation, ploughing through reports once again.

Days like such make life more colourful and meaningful. In the midst of mundane work which is necessary for survival, spending quality time with family is the consolation of hard work. These are the moments we temporarily set work aside, get out of our profession self and let our hair down. That’s when we are truly who we are – a child.

Next post will be the photos from the weekend, let them tell the story. =)

The time of bonding and understanding each other better, is invaluable to me. as everyone stays apart from each other, having this time together is exceptionally special. It reminded me about spending time with my mum too, as I try to have dinner with her at least once every week and call her a few times every week. Calling her to share with her my joy and pain is ingrained in me. Hearing her words of comfort calms me down in a special way – a kind of special relationship a child has with her mum from the day I was formed in her womb.

Her patting never fails to put me to sleep when I was a child. Even today, if dearie simply pats me on my back or butt for 5-10mins, I would just go into slumber.

Mummy’s birthday is coming soon, and I’m thinking of taking a day off to bring her out for shopping and eating. Will call her later to discuss with her about it. =)

i had the opportunity to have a facial at Kasap on Monday. I can’t remember when was the last time I had one; probably at Sharon’s about 4-5 years ago when they had a promotional rate for first timers. Facials are indulgement to me. It can get pretty costly to have one done in Singapore. The Kasap facial only costs me RM 60 – a real steal! Another thumbs up for the beautician who is friendly and patient. I would certainly love to visit her whenever I can because it’s nice seeing my face cleaner and fresher.

She made some pointers which I will be heeding:

1. My high intake of salt in my food is causing my hair to fall easily. I will definitely make conscious effort to cut down salt in my diet.

2. My complexion isn’t evenly coloured. I reckon that’s due to all the squeezing of acne I’ve been doing on my own which has caused some portion to peel more. Hence her advice was for me to use whitening products which will help even out the colour better. Noted on that but I’ll probably have to finish my current skin care products first before changing to something else.

3. Got to cut down on protein intake as it’s causing white heads.

Funny how tricia is becoming so vain these day. –giggles- the beautician mentioned about how I should be more like my mum and take good care of my appearance for it seems I’ve been a little too lazy. =P

Beauty is more than skin deep. All of us naturally exude beauty when we are confident about ourselves. It’s a kind of charm which draws people to you. I have personally encountered people who aren’t the best looking around, but yet people they meet just simply love them. Not to their looks, because that would fade with age. But to a personality that’s sincere and confidence that’s self-assuring yet not overpowering.

I am thankful I had the opportunity to share with dearie’s sister, wendy. I see a little of me in her, and we have common encounters with certain types of people. That made conversation flow endlessly, though I blabbered a lot of nonsense at junctures when I became a little tired. =P Girl’s talk is fun, because girls know girls best.. and why do we always don’t speak our minds? We don’t know but it’s just US!

I called mum a minute ago and when I told her I’ll take a day off on her birthday to spend time with her, immediately I could hear joy and exhilaration from her voice. I told her I’ll bring her out to pick her own present. There’s always another day for work but we don’t always have the chance to spend quality time with loved ones. We can never earn enough to be satisfied for we’re human and carnal in flesh. It’s sad how we sometimes see relatives wailing away at funerals after their kin passed on. Why are they wailing, I wonder? If they have loved the person enough with no regrets, then there should be no reason to cry.

I hope when my mum does leave me one day, I can smile to her and know I have given all I want to give to her and loved her the way she has loved me. I’ll know that she has gone on to a nicer place in heaven, and that’s where I will meet her again.

the power of M

Life’s paradoxical. Despite all the measures which the government are implementing to aid the financially weaker citizens, a recent report also shows that there has been a jump in the number of people splurging on branded goods.

With the perpetual increase in prices of commodities, I concur to what our FC commented during meeting yesterday: life will get tougher for an indefinite period. The economy will take a while to pick up and it’ll call for everyone to tighten their belts.

It was forecasted that the inflation rate in Singapore might rise to a high of 8% from the existing 7.5%. In my personal view of things, the impact of the inflation increase would be multi-fold. I draw reference on how the prices of food have rose with the past 6 months – a bowl of noodles used to cost $2.50 is now $3.00. That denotes a 20% increase.

The trend we are seeing is disturbing and for most of my colleagues and I who do not fall in the higher income bracket, it’s corroding our savings slowly but surely.

Even as I plan towards our simple, d-i-y and cost-saving wedding in Nov, I’ve experienced the scrooge in me restraining myself from splurging on unnecessary items. Call me cheapo if you must..and all the “aiyo, like that also must save?” phrases. Yes, like that I also want to save, because I feel the burden of saving our dollars and cents, significantly on my shoulders. Dearie and I share the responsibility to ensure we stay financially autonomous. Apart from the house and car loans, we don’t want to be bogged down by any other loans. Paying interest alone will kill us, especially with the depreciation of money value in light of inflation.

Once again, I toy with the idea of taking up a part time job. If I do not get to study, I will embark on part time over the weekends as well as some of the weekday evenings. I’ve been flipping through the papers to find something suitable. Clinic assistant? Retail? Tutoring? Wash cars? 7-11? Pump attendant?

If I do not get an additional part time job, my other option is to change job to one which will pay me better.

The rigour of life impels us to uncover ways to survive; just like hunger drives us to find food.

the door slammed in my face, again

Once again tricia has been rejected for studies.

What am I feeling now?

Disappointed.

Tired of trying any more.

Hopeless that I’ll get a chance to do any post graduate studies unless one of the following happens:

1. take a long route of doing a 3 years degree programme with a local university. The government is now offering 40% tuition fee subsidy for those who’ve not done under graduate studies. just that 3 years is a pretty long time for someone my age.

2. go to UK because there are master programmes in UK which value ACCA to a degree.

3. bear through doing the OBU programme with the choice of probably signing up for a course with a education provider.

Without studies, my plans ahead would probably have to be a change of job so that I get to gather more relevant experience. Perhaps take up the tax course? Maybe even learn some skills which I can do free lance work with and earn some money.

There are other choices, just that I am feeling sad to consider them now.

I have faced the 2^nd disappointment which could have been avoided if the institution bothered to check what they write on their website properly. The difference between OR versus AND shouldn’t be that difficult for educated people. Utterly dismayed by this blunder, I don’t want to even weigh out if I want to do the graduate diploma suggested by the staff as alternative.

Tricia has been trying way too hard.

back off, because it’s never meant to be.

work-starved

I am starving of things to do at work. Feeling displaced, I am a little unsure why I am still lumbering here.

There’ll be a department meeting on Thursday to bring up issues for discussion. For I am already filled with a truck full of skepticism, a part of me has already decided that I am going to take on a role of an observer. I am going to observe what changes she’s going to bring about and what she has in store for our development.

My future has been looking bleaker than ever since she came and I am not going to expect things to look better in any time soon. I certainly do not want to waste my time here; hence I am taking the opportunity to study.

I’m holding off till I receive my bonus at year end. That’s what keeps me staying on. if my application for studies is accepted by the university, I won’t mind if she just leave me status quo.

However, if I don’t get into the uni, my contingency plan is to arm myself with relevant experience. This experience, I doubt I’ll get a chance to gather if I continue to stay here. Therefore, I’ll be stepping up on my search for a more suitable job and move off when I find one. (that’ll literally means waving goodbye to bonus)

i prepping myself to accept the worse that may come. Started flipping through recruit since last Saturday. I’ll be spending $0.80 to buy a chance to find something better, every weekend.

Counting down.

…4 days to holiday in KL with dearie and family.

…..3 weeks to find out if I’m accepted into the uni or not.

…….4.5 months to finishing 1.5 years at my current company. This is the breaking point which I will move off with no reservations if I’m not studying and situation doesn’t improve.

tricia's typical week

On Saturday, I handed in my application form for the master of applied finance course with university of Adelaide Ngee Ann, situated within the Teochew Building. I reckon they should get back to me by end of June or first week of July as the term officially starts 11 July.

I’m feeling a little hopeful, reason being they haven’t state in the pre-requisite of 3 years of relevant working experience. I have till date almost 2 years of relevant working experience. And 3 years of not-relevant-to-finance working experience.

It’ll be heartless to give myself no hope but I don’t dare to expect too much as I’m after all a “reject” from the Nottingham mba. in a way, it was a blessing in disguise as I find the master of applied finance more appropriate in many ways more than one.

The thought of embarking into studies stirs me awake. Learning and solving questions keep me on my toes these days and being able to obtain a master degree is a dream I once thought it was too good to behold.

If I do get accepted, I’ll be one step closer to a dream. I am totally aware obtaining the master does not guarantee a promising career in the finance sector. It’s not a ticket to a esteemed position nor a fattened wage package. However, I perceive it as a key that will open more doors.

Open doors are opportunities. Behind each door behold a different career path which I still must take time and effort to plough through. Nothing in this world comes easy, that’s for sure.

I am tenacious about learning and I’ve been thirsting to do some studies. Please do not deny me because I lack the working experience. Give me a chance at it and I promise I will put my all into it.

Having goals and dreams keep us going. That dream hanging in the sky is like the star we chart our direction of travel towards. That goal in front of us is what we keep our eyes on; that keeps us paddling towards.

Life is about find the equilibrium in things.

Tricia does some maths on her life.

i'm a turtle now but i will win the race

I am really proud of my baby who finished 2^nd in the MR25 cross country marathon on Sunday. To me, he’s the most impressive, to think he ran an extra loop out to Rifle Range and managed to finish 1 minute behind the 1^st guy. Imagine if he didn’t do that extra loop out, I’m sure he would have been way ahead. There weren’t many runners on the event that day, as most had opted to go for passion run and the saab duathlon. Not many competitors nor people to pace or chase after during the run. Nontheless, MR remains a tough place to run, especially of a marathon distance. Running alone at most of the course became a personal and mental challenge. A test of willpower to hold on and finish the 4 loops.

Maybe I am just weak but I had to give up after 2 loops because my hamstring pulled my left leg so badly I could not bend it properly. The inability to bend really made going uphill an arduous task. I could still hobble downhill and the flats but going uphill my slow jog was reduced to a walk.

I felt really frustrated as the pull began to set in at less than 12km mark, which I have already tried to delay by running a really slow 1^st loop. I was tempted to turn back but I told myself I would slowly finish the loop even if I had to walk. Indeed I took a long long long time to complete the 2^nd loops, the longest ever for me, of 1 hr 45 mins for a 10.5km route.

It was painful to give up half way but I was not left with much a choice. I felt so sore, so frustrated and so disappointed.

Coach says I’m not peaking yet, just moderating out. I feel I am at a low point now, with this idiot hamstring strain which cripples me totally. I’m thankful for the support dearie, coach, christin, Eugene and also anonymous (who left a comment on an earlier entry). Somehow, having friends and loved ones with me makes going through a low point easier.

God is good and gave me a gentle perk yesterday after the demoralizing run. As we were walking towards toa payoh for lunch, I found a $10 bill on the ground. It brought a smile on my face and I used the money for our you mee lunch. I had wanted to bet $2 on 4D as I was feeling a little lucky. =P unfortunately, the number 2008 was sold out. Oh, why 2008? Because my tag number that morning was 2008. so nice a number, too bad I was a lousy runner.

Christin’s timely reminder made me halt to reflect: I have the choice to see the cup half full or half empty.. indeed. I have always been a person who saw the cup half full, remembering the first time this question was posed to me. and I always reminded myself I want to be a person who would see the cup half full. So in light of that, my consolation is: Too bad I didn’t finish a full marathon, but at least I did a half marathon =)

With the closing of this episode, I have made a resolution to work towards breaking my own pb at the ultra at year end. The same route will be up again. And this time, I will have a previous record of 7 laps (in 10hr 50mins) to break.

On the way out that evening, dearie and I constructed a possible training plan we’ll be undertaking starting from july. It’ll be exciting. It’ll be painful in many ways. It’ll definitely be mental. And I am confident we will emerge from it stronger. Coupled with coach’s training, I hope I will be peak in time to soar for SCSM and then following that, the ultra. I am garnering all I have for these 2 events and my focus and eyes are solely on these 2.

Meantime, I’ll be going through 2 weeks of rehab to let my hamstring strain recover. During this 2 weeks I have set the following guidelines to adhere to.

1. no running of distances more than 10km in a day

2. I will do a lot of aqua running, swimming and gym work to strengthen and upkeep my fitness.

3. biking will begin as I still hope to do PD tri.

4. I will stretch 2 times a day, concentrating more on my legs.

5. I will intake more protein so that it will accelerate muscle repair. Protein intake will be whey as it’s low in fat (good time to clear the whey also)

I leave myself with this quote, “Adversity causes some men/women to break; others to break records”.

I want to break my own record, for myself.

detours are not dead ends

Things took a nosedive and hit a rock bottom for me today. I felt really miserable. When I thought things can’t be any worse than this, it did.

But I still believe God allowed things to happen for a reason and for that reason I will not give up as I know I am living for a purpose.

Dearie spent the night offering his perspective in the situation I am in. I processed through his words and it made a lot of sense to me.

Don’t take detours in life as dead ends. We learn something from it at the end of the day, isn’t it? =)

It’s ok when things go wrong, at least now we learn what the right things to do are.

Thank you, dearie. you are the sane when I go insane. =)

Picking the shattered remnants, I’m making plans for the following:

1. enroll into a school for the obu research in sept 08. by doing so, I’ll be paving my way to the submission in apr 09. I will be exploring another topic for research. This time round, like dearie mentioned, I will be wiser in the selection process so that I won’t hit another road block at implementation stage.

2. I am still looking forward to the tax course at tax academy. I will give it a shot even though I may not get a place as I am not a tax practitioner. But it’s an area I’m really keen on and taking time to study in depth into it might not be that a bad idea.

3. search for a job which will enable me to attain my cpa will start soon. My first step will be to start purchasing the sat’s straits time as its recruit section will be a good resource to what are the other options out there. my move may not come so soon as I’m still hoping to get my year end bonus in December. I’ve worked so hard for it after all! Nonetheless, if I do find a company which is strong in developing staff and a job that’ll bring on new challenges, I might forsake bonus and leap for it!

Dearie is right. I am in no crisis now. I still have a job (which pays me to stare at the monitor most of the time), I have a roof over my head, I have food to fill my tummy (which I am trying to cut down so I can slim down) and I still have my loved ones with me.

It’s just a hurdle I am facing. Be strong, deal with it and emerge stronger from it.

sundown

My first marathon for the year of 2008 didn’t turn out too well. The sundown marathon was flagged off at 12mn of Sunday morning and from my watch I took a 5 hours flat to complete the whole course.

I started with a pretty good pace and I felt really high spirited. However, my energy dwindled down significantly after the 25km mark and the rest just fell into a spiral whirlpool that sucked me downwards.

How my body responded in Sundown:

1. my soles hurt. I’m not sure if it was my shoes or I was just plain fatigued. I never had that issue with saucony and mizuno. My first marathon with the asics gt 2120 and it didn’t seem too pleasant a run with it.

2. my hamstrings pulled. For a moment I wondered if it was my itb that was causing my left leg to be unable to bend, but as I limped on, it felt more like the hamstring than the itb.

post mortem with dearie revealed the following things I have done wrong:

1. I shouldn’t have gone shopping all over town before the race, causing insufficient rest. Should have rested and best get more sleep.

2. I shouldn’t have ran and do gym the night before the race.

3. I shouldn’t have picked up pace so fast into the race. I think I went out too fast too soon.

4. I should have tried running at that time of the night, at that kind of pace for a distance close to actual race day. At least my body would be more prepared to handle the sleepiness and pace.

5. I had itb problem just prior to the race. I didn’t do anything wrong on this. It’s just unfortunate.

6. I lost my temper and got frustrated because I was hoping to do better.

On retrospect, the things I felt I done right:

1. I did not give up, even when I had to limp through the run. I almost gave up because the muscle pull was breaking me..but I told myself I must hang on..especially when dearie has been running beside me through the entire course.

2. I remembered coach’s words and I picked up on the last 4km. he said that’s the point we must pick up because that’s when we can kick ass. I did so as told and I really overtook quite a number of people at the end.

3. mind triumphed over body. As I picked up my pace, I told myself, “pain is relative. If you don’t think of it, it doesn’t exist.” And as I just gathered myself to move into momentum of that we’ve done during training, the pain vanished. I recalled how I hung on to the track training when my itb hurt, and I knew if I can hold through that, I can do it once again.

Picking up the pieces from here, the next race up is mr25’s cross country marathon. This is the targeted race I was hoping to do instead of sundown. However, as the cross country race will have a cut off 5 hours, I am hesitant at this point if I am capable to achieve that. Yet, not giving a shot leaves me sore and unjustified; like why am I not even trying. A least having tried and failed is better than not trying and say I give up.

First on the agenda is to recover fast and get my muscles unknotted. I have arranged with iggy today for a sports massage. Apart from that, I’m staying off running for the next 6 days. The only activity I’ll do is swim and aqua running. I am desperate to recover and I hope my efforts will enable me to run the cross country.

However, should i not recover on time to be racing, i will be there to cheer my dearie on..=)