jump

i jumped. struggled to the last moment before i hit the sent. i wanted to collect all the disgruntle and unhappiness.. as i handed it in, i realised it doesn't quite matter. it was not that has passed which mattered, it is what lies aheads which held more reason.

won't have come so far without family and friends. even in the midst of masked men, i found some who are real. it was assuring to hear from them, "i'm sad that you are leaving, but i know this is right for you."

i contemplated if i could live through the days with both eyes closed, it was pretty comfortable. yet, dearie reminded me, are you comfortable? you are unhappy. it hit me. was i in some kind of self-denial? haha

it is easy to be in a uncomfortable position but still fool your mind to think it IS comfortable. just like how i will talk to myself during a long run, that the end is near and i can hold on.

i'm glad i made the decision to jump. let's hope the parachute does open up during the drop, and that i'll glide through to another land!

better late than never

GST filing is done! yay! it is due on 31st and i only got it done tonight. i haven't got around to finish the accounts and close for the financial year.. there is still a list of documentation to do..plus more filing to do.

was busy doing so much formatting tonight. just glad to get the GST over and done with for now.

back to studies.

i am so glad i got a day's leave on friday!

more mugging

been swimming in questions. just doing tons of it to familiarise myself with the format of the questions.

yukie nishimura playing delectable music in my ears. it balances the stress that comes along with studies.

been glued to this website that sells beautiful dresses. i wish i can own most of them!! how do i stop??

going to get my new glasses later today. let's hope it helps ease my squinting.

i am going to take it up. no one knows what it may bring, but i will definitely put in my due effort to make it the best shot it can be. and after i get the exams done, there is a long list of things i want to get on to. i've got to prepare myself for the shot. if i can practise a thousand times to get the one shot right, i will.

mugging

have been making some effort to wake up earlier to study.

hang on hang on!

i should be taking on the plunge. strap on the parachute and jump. trusting i have packed the parachute well - it will spread out when i pull the line and i will be able to glide through instead of going free fall down.

attending a sap course later in the day.

this week is short due to the friday holiday.

it's good to get out of the office sometimes.

post exams plans

exams in 2 weeks' time. after exams, i want to:

1. go for a holiday with dearie
2. read more books
3. have more time and mood to play my neglected piano
4. go for photography lessons and put the D80 pa given us into good use
5. put in more effort to develop my career (for those who have given me advice on this recently, you know what i mean)
6. with point 5, to see if there is a need to continue on with the other 2 exams

hang in there, tricia.

baggage

i wonder what to lug along to work for the weeks to come. i have been bringing my writing paper to attempt my questions but despite carrying them to and fro, i never brought them out to use during office hours. impossible to write with a pen and paper on the train, nevertheless i try to do some questions using annotation on the tab.

i'm slowly getting some momentum. still can't finish the fixed income questions this weekend but at least i covered most of them. exam is drawing very near now and i've still got many many questions i want to cover.

i am making a mental note that i want to spend at least an hour or two every night, for the next 3 weeks, working on my questions. what helps is work isn't going very much anywhere these days, so it's easier to just brush work aside and focus on the exam which will add more value to myself.

i hope all these will work out for the better, despite the predicament at work.

comfort in music

i was trying to find comfort in the music that was playing in my ears. i tried some really loud thumping ones like "eye of the tiger" (like i'm getting ready for battle of sorts).. in the end i found what i needed was knowing there was someone greater in control, casting my cares on Jesus. I think i found peace listening this http://youtu.be/FlDUkp1Ts8A rather than the final countdown.

thank you for such beautiful music.

losing focus

i find myself losing focus of the upcoming exam due to the many things that is happening at work. it is certainly disturbing me, the uncertainty is making me wriggle like an ill-fitting bra.

can i totally shut myself out from the politics that others are fiddling with? it is because i was hoping to develop a career..rather than just hold a job, that's why i am affected. from the outlook now, i must adjust my mindset to accept that it will just be a JOB, there will never be a career that can be made out of this place.

i need to gain immunity. build a wall around myself. fill my time with other things which can add value to myself, beyond the work certainly.

drive and driven

after a few months of abstinence from books (not text books), i picked up this book after dearie showed me a short you tube video which presented an excerpt from dan pink.

i really like this book, so much that i want to own it. i've got it in pdf form now..and i won't mind re-reading it again if time permits.

a quick check on my progress in preparing for the exams in jun. i have completed all the reading. completed all the video lectures. the last 2 things i have on my checklist are to finish all the practise questions on both the study notes and question bank. attempt the mock exam.

the last 2 tasks will commence tomorrow!

i am well on time for my schedule today. another 30mins to my meteor documentary. i'll have to list out all the questions i need to attempt and keep a checklist on when i need to complete them by..and when i do complete them by. (i think this kind of checklists are very helpful in my course of exam preparation so far. it allows me to track my progress all the time.. and when i am able to complete the tasks set out, a sense of accomplishment.

and so, we do need tons of drive in our lives. and if u've read dan pink's book, such drive does not necessarily come from monetary rewards. for me, it's part of my continual pursuit to improve myself. the more i know, the more i realise there is so much i don't know. =)

the little buffalo

what do i miss most since embarking on studies?

reading (books. real books, not text books)

having the mood/time to play piano (the baby grand feels like a white elephant now)

watching mindless tv serials

dozing off over weekend without having to worry about studies i've set out to cover

went to mummy's to help her clear her wardrobe earlier. i got some good hand-me-downs! and the best find for the day is my mummy's 20yr old braun buffel handbag. after applying mink oil over it, i got it back to as-good-as-quite-new condition..all ready for use! only pity is it's a little small for a bring-rubbish-around person like me. nonetheless, i want to use it..because it represents everything mummy. it reminds me of those mornings i see mummy strut out of home early in the morning to go to work. my endearing mummy who means the world to me (plus dearie too, i know he'll be reading this!)

canine

i decided i will give away freely what i took pains to acquire. sometimes the more others want to pry things from us, the more we should give them away. perhaps, by giving away, we will in turn gain more. perhaps, by giving away, it will make them understand that giving the next person the fish does not equate to the person knowing how to fish.

it gave me chance to reinforce what i know. it also made me realise there is indeed a whole universe of things happening which i have little or no knowledge of. the pursuit to know more is endless.

learning to find answers will make us more informed individuals. the hunger for knowledge will make us stronger. i cannot teach another person how to be and stay hungry.

dearie reminds me about this important point, whenever i am down, whatever you learn is yours. where ever you go, you will bring it with you.

i often lament how selfish others are of the information they have, perhaps they think i am not of their level. i am only given drips and draps of the things i do. it's like getting 100 pieces of a 500 pieces puzzle and they would scoff at you to figure out the rest. well, if it's 100 pieces then so be it. i gathered the 100 pieces and i will slowly figure out the rest. even if it will take me a lot more time.

it reminded me of something mentioned in the bible in Matthew 15 (i am not trying to sound spiritual here but i feel i draw parallelism to it:

Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is suffering terribly from demon-possession.” Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.” He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.” The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said. He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to their dogs.” “Yes, Lord,” she said, “but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.” Then Jesus answered, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

to put the whole passage in its context (in how i understand it), canaanites are like the villians who occupy the promised land which belongs to the israelites. and this woman came to Jesus, seeking help. Somehow Jesus told her that the right first belonged to Israelites. The woman did not give up and she begged. Jesus saw her faith, despite knowing she did not deserve anything, and healed her daughter.

I see myself as the canaanite, but i'm not begging. Not because i do not have faith, but because those i work for are no way near the likes of Jesus. There is no such thing as faith and healing at work. But i take no shame in gathering the crumbs that fall from the table, though it seems like i'm snooping around like some canine. i will try my best to move from table to table to gather the crumbs. tables here can be various sources. hopefully by sweeping up enough crumbs, i will gather enough to make it into a filling meal.

catch up game

this study endeavour has been a catch-up game. perhaps i have underestimated how much i can cover in 4 months' time. i seriously need MORE time.

talking through the situation at work with dearie certainly made the big picture crystal clear. at least for the next 12months or so, i'm going to steer clear of the gunfire. do a level-2 sharing. build up my fort.

at least keep my head clear in the midst of all the strange things going on. stay focused. 

my brain crashed

i spent my sunday doing the accounts for mummy. i thought this is the least i can help to lighten the burden on her, especially now that she is ill.

i have planned to catch up on my studies, but now it seems i am even more behind schedule. now at 10pm, after settling all the housework and accounts, i finally have time to start on studies. yet, my brain doesn't seem to want to work now. i am staring blankly on my screen, wondering what exactly i should be doing. video lectures? question bank? concept checkers? i am typing a blog entry now!

what do you do when you lag behind? i am seriously behind schedule and i am only left with 3 months. am i freaking out? somewhat.

how am i going to find time to catch up?

i need an anvil to fall on me now.

inertia

Finding the inertia to start studying again is challenging. Reading text, attempting questions and jotting notes; this needs getting used to.

I hope it will end up useful. The topic I am doing now is Ethics- a pretty dry boring topic and I am finding it tough to see the relevance as I am not working as an analyst.

I must get through this by today and start on Quant tomorrow.

Registered and no regrets

I have finally registered after a long while of deliberation. Dearie gave me the assurance and support to go full force for it. I can still remember how he had to keep me company when I was doing my studies through MAF and Financial Market Cert.

No turning back now..I took nearly an hour just to get the registration up.

I only have 4 months left before exam.

I am not proving anything to anyone. I just want to test how far I can go. And like dearie said, I won't know till I try.

And yes, I am going to try.

Life is too short to look back and wish we have done certain things but did not get around it due to procrastination.

Even if I don't make it through, at least I can say I have tried. =) That's all I am trying to do. No regrets.

time

Realised there is so much I want to do but so little time. So many things seem so interesting but it takes time to learn. It back to how we manage our time - giving up things which are less important. It is hard, isn't it? =(

after 5 months

this blog has been dysfunctional for quite a while now. 2 friends reminded me that they followed my blog. Dearie told me my blog entries with mention of him, always make his day.

I think as I grow older, there seems lesser need to "externalise" what I think and feel. Alot of my thoughts and feelings are either "internalised" or I will simply text them to dearie. He gets the brunt of all my frustrations and complaints and of course, the first I will share my joy with.

And I think there are alot of ways to shrug off stress and dissatisfaction; blowing off your top and blarring out at those around you seems the most uncool thing to do. It is immature to pass needless comments - it only exposes your lack of depth. I think playing the piano is a good way to divert attention onto something less intellectual. I think running is a good way to help dissipate some of the negative energy.

It seems that I have stopped updating the books on my read list. I think I managed to cover quite a number of books and I'm pretty proud of that. I think one of the best ways to find out about things is to read on it. Find diverse opinion on a subject matter, before you draw your conclusion on it.

I have been reading quite a few books on Lee Kuan Yew recently. Apart from knowing him as one of Singapore's founding fathers and reading generally unkind comments of him on the internet, I have not known much about him.After reading a couple of books and having watched the interviews with him, I am full of respect. I am still intrigued with how this great man is wired, hence having finished another book on him today, I have another 2 more books lined up next. I am dreaming if it will ever be possible to meet him in person. Just to shake his hand and tell him I admire his grit and express thanks for how he has built Singapore.

the question of time and tide again

 i haven't been updating this much. quick look at what i've read recently. finished this chinese book this morning. light hearted book. i'm not too sure what i should read next.. Narnia? I downloaded the entire series of the chronicles of narnia for a while now..but isn't enticing to make me start on them.

interesting things that has happened worth the mention. i went to climb mt lambak with dearie and his colleagues. it was lots of fun..i'm envious he has such fun colleagues who are alot more enthusiastic about activities beyond work. i collected my bronze medal for blood donation. hope to be able to continue to contribute in such small ways in the future. we had taishoken ramen at ramen champion.. something i have been wanting to try..and finally got the chance to!

we will be heading off to taiwan in another 3 weeks. wow..i am so looking forward to a break from work. the days post-apr have seemed to slow down into a crawl. Opportunities to learn seem to have vanished overnight. Indeed, as dearie correctly pointed out, life does not always go the way we want them to. I am still getting paid, no doubt. but I guess I’ll be actively looking for means to develop myself, by my own effort. Time and tide waits for no man. I’m not going to just sit here and get swept off my tide, or grow too weary to move with the passing of time.

curry and cycle

remember this bowl of japanese curry i made for dearie? seems eons away. attempting to recreate that yummy bowl of curry for dinner today again. keeping my fingers crossed that it will taste as good, if not better.

there's been alot of debate about cyclists' "status" on the road. though i doubt a lane on the roads for us will be possible, i guess it helps if the general driving community exercise some graciousness to cyclists.

while i will like to think the accidents were not specifically targeted at cyclists. it is just the impatience, and perhaps some selfishness, of the driver that could have taken over the better of them. i have been a victim of bike accidents and i testify. some drivers simply think that we are slow on our bikes and should not be on the road. when the accidents occur, they would give that "what are you doing on the road" face.

it'll take not just a bike lane to make the roads safer for cyclists. it will take something radical...like how english was introduced into our education system decades ago.

atonement after dark

another great read. though i have not read many of haruki murakami's works but i thought after dark is one of those more comprehensible reads.

murakami, in the likes of ishiguro, has this twisted way of writing.

going back to something more mainstream. next book is atonement. haven't got to watch the movie yet, thought i may start with the book first.

haven't got many good books to read these days. i'm bored. should i start reading the narnia series in my kindle?

anyone has any good recommendation?