good quote from a whole new mind

The capacity to see the big picture if perhaps most important as an antidote to the variety of psychic woes brought forth by the remarkable prosperity and plentitude of our times. Many of us are crunched for time, deluged by information, and paralysed by the weight of too many choices. The best prescription for these modern maladies may be to approach one’s own life in a contextual, big-picture fashion – to distinguish between what really matters and what merely matters.

half way through this book and i've got to many good quotes to keep.

ahh..i want a copy of this book for keeps!

wowow..i'm onto the last bits of the book and u know what? daniel pink (the author) actually made reference to viktor frankl and his book, man's search for meaning. that was the book i read right before this.

i love reading! =) especially when i get to read and listen to mahler's symphony at the same time. hohoho!

a new mind?

completed man's search for meaning.

onto a whole new mind in HARDCOVER. it's so un-tricia to be lugging a hardcover in her bag.

got to read 6 pages of catch me if you can. interesting read. that will be next after this one.

no blackie. i need meaning.

1/3 through with the black swan and i gave up. it is beyond me. clockwork orange made better sense than this book. this is a far cry from fooled by randomness. this was one of the very few occasions which i didn't even bother to browse through the rest of the book and simply closed it shut (literally, because mine was in soft copy).

i thought i wanted to read something which made more sense, so it's on to this.. man's search for meaning. =)

night review

i finished Elie Wiesel's Night. It is a great book! =)

Found this photo which was described in the book, the gate to the camp which bore the words "Arbeit Macht Frei" (it means Work Sets You Free). How oxymoronic.

Next book, back to The Black Swan.

i got deviated from the next book on the to read list. this is because i spent lunch time reading up about holocaust (just to give me a better understanding of the context which diary of anne frank was written in).

i googled for "good books on holocaust" and found out i have one ebook in my kindle which was rated quite well! therefore, taking a skip from the black swan, my official next read is this:


not a very thick book..so target to complete this by mid or late next week.

read

completed this after a break from it for mags:

this is next on the line..managed to find a soft copy which i can read over my kindle. target to complete? end of the month. will update my next read soon!

define success

a recent sense of aimless awakened me to find goals for my time in the company.

i walked through a shopping mall on the way to my part time work; i was surrounded by youths. it reminded me of my younger years which don't seem too far off. my mummy has never given me excessive pressure on how i should perform in school, but just reminded me to always do my best.

i listened to the standford's commencement speeches steve jobs and oprah made.

he talked about connecting the dots, that we cannot see into the future how things work together. we only start to connect the dots when we look back.

a good education opens doors. i sat on a table with bankers over dinner, one of the analyst (presumably the lowest tier in investment banking) was an imperial college graduate.

while i try to tell myself, how successful you are is not determined by that college certificate (looking at the richest people in the world, not many even graduated from college), but the truth is good education will give you some form of leverage in life.

i haven't had a fabulous education which i can flaunt of but i hope i can still do some catch up now. i am not sure if my non-confrontational personality will be good as i move on..yet i know i don't want to become someone i am not.

ok, back to goals. my short term goal while i serve my "term" is to read tenaciously. i want to devour as much publications as i can. i'm almost done with my outdated bloomberg markets mags, though old editions, still contain relevant information. my company has a library with a reasonable collection of books, open for staff to borrow. i think i should make use of that resource. as dearie works in a tertiary institution now, that literally means i have greater access to even more publications. after i finish my current to-read-list, i am getting dearie to help me borrow bloomberg markets mags regularly for reading.

i've started my garang guni work in office again. i've been getting colleagues to pass me old newspapers which are due for disposal from the racks. those are usually straits times and business time which are 3-5days old. i collect them in a neat pile underneath my table and i read them over lunch. apart from the news websites, these are the sources of current affairs updates. ahh..so much to read but so little time. did i say i want to start reading chinese papers too? never quite got around them too! (haven't seen chinese papers in the office too)

i've been penning my learning into emails and sending them to dearie and bro. i hope i don't bore them off..but i think sharing it helps me learn better..

i listen to definitions of success. everyone define success differently to much extent. i think i should be working harder to earn more. i think i should be saving more. i think i should be more aggressive at work.. but looking back at it, at the end of the day, does it give me the success..or "success" in inverted commas? somehow, i think being happy is important. i am happy when i get to tinkle the ivories..i am happy when i can go for a good run.. i am happy when i can cook for dearie and he finishes all the food. i am happy when i can spend time with family.. do all these fall into the definition of success?

don't want to think too much. i'll just keep up with my learning and reading.. let's see where the road leads to. =)

cert collector

it has been another draining week at work. the long nights make the work feel like it's never ending. let's hope this ends in another 1-2weeks because those involved are over whelmed by the blistering speed reports have to be handed in.

it made me wonder how we can do things better and of course faster.

it made me think if i can do this for years to come.

a recent discussion with a new colleague made me feel life has to be more purposeful than just getting by. i am irritated by the term "cert collector" she used, because i value the learning process over that piece of paper. she probably thinks why have i attained so much academically but still not doing fantastically in my career development.

honestly, i must agree that good career development requires more than just academic qualifications. i have cornered myself by choosing to join my current job. i have no choice but to stay on and make the best of my time here. i tell myself repeatedly, next time it has to be a step forward, no more stepping backwards or staying on the spot anymore.

should i do the cfa is still a question mark. it's more a structured learning than actually getting that title itself, because to attain the title will be almost impossible for now given that i lack of the 4 yrs' relevant experience.

while i get this all figured out, i should be working on my financial model now (stilll not done and it's due soon!)

absolute randomness

This blog is so out of date. Will it become obsolete soon? I hope not. Things that we don’t constantly keep up with, tend to get phased out unknowingly.

So here I am, at my part time job, thinking how to start on my financial model. I have no idea where to start. It’s easy to take someone’s model and start changing improving..but to build one up from scratch is tough.

I have this long list of things I classify as I should do. But how many of those am I actually doing..eh.. I’ll rather not count. At this moment, the only thing I want to do is go home, laze around with dearie and sleep through another 2-3hours.

Last week at work was a tough one.. going on course for 3 days and having to go back to office every day after the course. I was feeling penalized for going on course. Nevertheless the course was enjoyable and I certainly learnt much.

The poa assignment didn’t quite work out in the end, too bad for a short assignment which could give me some additional earnings.

I am expecting a tough 2 weeks ahead. With the board paper and board meeting presentation slides due just a day apart, it’ll be like chasing after a mrt. But whatever it is, I just hope to do a good job which will earn me a decent appraisal by year end. After all, my bonus hinges on all these.

My sweet sour fish didn’t turn out fantastic last week. I hope the curry fish will be a better attempt tonight.

I better start working on my model now. No time to lose!

finally!

after talking about this for a long long time..i'm finally getting a dream come true. it is out of luck we chanced upon this buy..we are getting it less than half price for a 4 year old baby grand.

i'm excited..though i am also jittery about how i will justify buying it. it just means i will have to work another 1.5years of part time to fully recover this. for something like a piano, there'll be no economic return. it is not income generating; only noise generating in my case.

i think it gives me something to look forward to at the end of every work day. i'm not particularly excited by work these days. i feel happy thinking about coming home to see dearie.. to go for a run.. to have dinner with dearie and john. not forgetting to play the piano too! it's about finding joy in life. i think what brings joy is definitely outside the office :)

grand cycle

Whenever i listen to Yiruma's music, I will start browsing soft forum and ebay for 2nd hand pianos. And I'll have an urge to lay my hands on a piano and start practising the same pieces.

I'll always start looking at digital pianos for their affordable prices. But I always start shrugging them off as they can never sound like acoustic ones.

Then I drool over the nice grand Yiruma plays on.

Then I dream I have one like that.

Then I snap back to reality that I will never play like him nor will I own one. =(

in part

dearie has been persuading me to quit the part time job as he thinks i should have more time to rest. i can't decide.

i took up the part time because i thought i should work harder and earn more in whatever ways i can. moreover, dearie was doing his masters and spent many saturdays in school. i could better utilise my time by working. however, dearie has completed his masters now but i'm still working on both sat and sun.

haven't had much luck with tuition assignments; this will be a good alternative to the current part time job.

the expectations of the part time job is being raised repeatedly recently. these days i will receive sms during weekdays, telling me to do this..do that..i remain clear cut that i do not do part time work during weekdays, as i am paid by my full time job to do my full time work. part time work does not cross that line. dearie reminded me to be firm on that, as once i gave in to it, it will not end. it just adds on. i tell myself, i will do whatever i can within that 4 hours which i am paid to work. whatever else, i must remain pragmatic and hold my ground.

i am looking forward to the centro run coming later this month. these short breaks give me a breather from work.

need to plan for my mandatory block leave soon.. whenever i tell dearie i need a holiday, he'll reply, "just quit your part time job." =|

holidays have been put on hold for now..got to start saving again.

thinking twice, i should hold on to the part time job. every cent counts. happy or not, so long it pays, just work.

when the going gets tough

the last 2 weeks has been extremely trying. the only thing i look forward to every night is for that warm embrace waiting for me at home. sometimes he cooks me marvellous dinners which warms my tummy and my heart.

it is when you are tired, you realise there is someone who is propping you up from your back. sometimes while supporting me, he gives me a nice massage on my shoulders.

i like burying my face on the contours of his shoulder and neck. i am just thankful for having him around.

he tells me don't give up. keep my spirit up. try my best. he reminds me, don't worry, he will take care of everything else.

it brings a smile on my face all the time. =)

factor x

there were many races in the past weeks and months. facebook seems really hyped with many personal bests, victories and completions.

but we are not part of those.

while others celebrated, we also had reached another milestone. i think it marks alot for both of us. it's evidence that we are slowly building something; that one step at a time we are scaling the hill. we may just progress to a mountain in near future too.

it made me feel i must be working harder. i am only young once. this is the time to really work and make my mark. not wait till i'm old and then lament i have not accomplished much.

we will and must achieve more in time to come. =) life has moved beyond just races. i think there are also other very important 'races' we must embark. for those, the distance is x.

ABC treat

our ABC treat for the A-boy!

bro and his chicken cutlet. he called it sinful!

dearie enjoying his chicken cutlet as always :)

i picked the 'less sinful' chicken chop. at least it was not swimming in oil before it came on my plate.haha!

clearing it out of the way

yay! what an accomplished weekend.

managed to close the year-end books for my mummy, filed the eci and i've just completed the tax computation. last step is to print everything out, check through, get her to sign off and then send it in to iras.

for something i've been putting off for almost a month, i'm glad i got around doing it. kick that lazy bug and once i start on it, i must finish it.

at least i know i can totally focus all my time on work now, without having to think about all these outstanding things which i must do but just too lazy to sit down in front of the pc after work each day.

so let's see, check them through during lunch time. bring them all down to mummy by tuesday or so.

last item on the list is to file the annual return which is just click click click..nothing to file since we are an exempt company. and that completes the entire reporting cycle.

if i can wake up early on tomorrow, perhaps i should go to office early and get these done first thing in the morning. then i can start working on all the board papers from tomorrow onwards.

well done, tricia. i deserve a pat on the back!

opportunity

should i go back to office later after i knock off at kip? i still have alot of things to look at and study.. but i'm feeling if i stepped back to office, getting out of it in 1-2hours will be difficult.

dearie and i did a 5km time trial. i think my pacing went all hay wire without a watch. started way too fast and i was struggling badly to keep up by the 7th lap. i am thankful dearie kept me company for the last 2 laps. at the 10.5 laps, dearie called out 23:20. maybe i was feeling delirious, i actually told myself let's try for 27min, without thinking i only had 3:40 to complete 800m. that means i must run 1:50 per 400m. i was too tired to actually do the maths then; i overestimated myself. i completed the 5km at 27:30, feeling a little disappointed i didn't manage to come in before 27. nevertheless, dearie said it was a good effort. at 2:12/lap is nothing to be proud of, but i will try to do better next time!

next time, i must bring my watch so i can keep tab of my pace. =) we'll be gradually increasing the time trial to 10km when we approach closer to our race. i'm not targeting for any pb this round as i've been busy with work to train properly. i just hope to keep at a 6min pace for the least through the race and complete the 12km run within 1:12!

the pace at work has been revving up. apart from the quarter close that's coming in another 1-2 weeks' time, i've been tasked with new responsibilities. i was initially left out of the quarter reporting but was later given a chance to be a part of it. i'll be thankful just to start off with slides or a small role but i was instead given a 'meaty' role - financial analysis of trust expenses for board paper queries. as my colleague took the time to go through the gist of the role, i am seeing pieces of the puzzle fall into place. i see how my treasury portion come into the picture with the rest of the analysis. the whole process will be painful and tedious but i am invigorated by the challenge.

sometimes we just need someone to give us the opportunity. and i am very lucky to be given the chance. now it's up to me to do a good job and impress.

after penning these, i ought to go back to office later and start going through the work. =)

bum bum

bummer must be my last name.

i've got a long list of things to do but my brain is in hibernation mode; don't feel like doing anything.

it's like the monthly carried down brought down thing. i keep pushing it off to the next day. man, i hate my darn attitude.

no potential part time to take up. the door to the group tuition seems closed for now too.

i need to find other avenues to get around this.

but first i need to quit bumming around.

rediscovered

we are rediscovering the joy, pain and alot of persipiration of interval training.

both of us felt the same way yesterday. bones are falling apart!

no pain no gain?

Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

heard this song in the american idol finale. the lyrics are very meaningful.

He said I was in my early forties, with a lot of life before me
And one moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days, looking at the x-rays
Talking bout' the options and talking bout' sweet times.
I asked him when it sank in, that this might really be the real end
How's it hit 'cha when you get that kind of news?
Man what did ya do?
He said

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again
And then

I went skydiving
I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

Like tomorrow was the end
And ya got eternity to think about what to do with it
What should you do with it
What can I do with it
What would I do with it

I went rocky mountain climbing
I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And man I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

smiley meal

dearie said i must post up photos of the smiley meal he cooked for me =) it put a smile on my face when i saw this!

this was my candlelight smiley meal =) cute isn't it?

vesak day

dearie said my blog lacks of some food photos - good hawker food and home cooked ones.

so here's one post with some food photos.

today's vesak day and it has been a very well spent day for me.

we hit the trails at mr today. 11.5km for me, 15km or so for dearie.

nothing can be better than a good meal after a good run. we headed to tanglin halt road, our new breakfast haunt. instead of the usual min jian kuey and chee cheong fun, i had the lor mee and dearie had the char siew rice. my ratings for the foodie there as follows:

the min jian kuey is great! the peanut filling overflows from the freshly made kuey. the best i've eaten so far.

handmade chee cheong fun. not bad too but dearie finds it too salty. for $3, it comes with a bowl of porridge. great deal.

lor mee, not fantastic for me. old changi road lor mee still stands best for me. this one pales to the clementi one, in my view.

char siew-xio ba rice! the charsiew and xio ba are delectable. better than the jurong east one. hoho. i can't remember if this is better than the muar one or not. hmm!

kopi and teh at the end of the meal. 70cents each. cheap and nice. i love the mixture of condensed and evaporated milk. it gives the kopi and teh a nice milky taste.

we shopped ikea and queensway after breakfast. dearie and i tried the sky speed and cumulus 12. both are great shoes. we can probably budget them into the next few months' expenditure if we are keen to get either pair.

we talked about tidying the house and got to work immediately once we got home. dearie packed the storeroom while i cleared the guest room and 2 wardrobes. proud of myself with all the tidying and throwing. it's good to do housekeeping because we tend to unknowingly accumulate unnecessary things. we threw out a few bags of old unwanted things. packed old clothes into bags to be sent off to salvation army over the weekend. with the help of a few containers/baskets, i managed to organise quite a bit of things. i finished all with vacuuming and mopping up.

as we did not have lunch, we had early dinner. i attempted to cook tofu-chicken patties but they turned out pretty ugly. no photos taken. dearie still ate them all up despite their not-too-pleasant look. i think i should stick to my usual mcpork patties.

all in all a public holiday well spent!

small like a single grain of sand

the immersion programme has been great so far. enjoyed the property run on day 1. gained much from the presentations by different business units' senior management.

the same thoughts and emotions flooded me again. feeling all small and insignificant, hoping i could do more to contribute to the big picture.

what is evident is the dynamism of the business and scale of the organisation. but i cannot exactly picture where my position is in the midst of it.

what value do i bring?

i know what reports i need to complete. i know when i need to complete them. i know who are helping me make sure i get them done. i know when i need to start placing out funds. i know who i should call and who will decide on the tenor. i think the work is some what defined. yet, what can i do to add value is not defined. perhaps i think too much. just do my job and get paid. simple isn't it?

there's something in me that tells me i must aim higher. i don't want to spend the next 5-10years updating spreadsheets. i don't just want to be just someone who ensures i close my books on time, get my reports out on time and updates cashflow projections. i hope one day i can be that someone who can stand on somewhere higher and make significant decisions. but i ask myself how far is it from here to there? how to get there? when can i get there? what must i do to get there?

unlike studying, i know how many modules i must complete. i know what are the assignments and exams i must clear. i know definitely when i fulfill the required credits, i will obtain that qualification. but now for career, it is not so. it's so fuzzy and you can't even see what kind of a path you are going down. will it hit a dead end? could i be merely walking on the spot? am i being impatient?

a mentor will be really good to have. someone who has gone down the same road and walked out of it well.

someone who can tell me, i am just a grain of sand, but i am part of something bigger.

worth it

tomorrow dearie will be taking his last paper of his course. jia you! the finishing line is so close now!

the journey is hard but i'm sure it's worth every effort. we will look back and give thanks that we chose to take the less trodden path. =)

dust settles

i refrained from facebook in the last few days because all the comments put up by friends were too much to bear. i cannot fathom why are people so repulsive?

all i read are complaints after complaints. some were mean and blatant. it'll be too much work to start hiding all those mean comments, hence i chose not to log on.

there is no right or wrong, but i do think we must stop complaining and start counting our blessings too. singaporeans are very affluent. most of us are well educated and hold jobs which earn us a decent living. we are always fast to criticise and lament (oops, i feel guilty of that too!). what about counting our blessing and giving thanks?

be less critical of others, unless you like to be criticised. who are we to judge in the first place?

although i do have opinions of some candidates, but i think it takes boldness to step up and take lead. how many of us can do that?

hope all the dust will settle and rants will cease soon. instead of criticising ceaselessly, if it's that unbearable, why don't they just pack and leave? move on to somewhere they feel will offer them equal opportunities, listen to them and act in their benefit. it'll definitely be better than creating all that negativity.

piano marketplace

i've been checking out piano sale ads on ebay and soft forum everyday; it is hard to value a piano. i see reposts of certain pianos repeatedly. it is very hard to sell pianos. how do sellers fairly value them? how much are buyers willing to pay?

not too long ago, someone posted a yamaha baby grand at a very attractive price. i called her up and was told she'll get back to me. moments later, she raised the price by 60%. she didn't honour her initial price, making potential buyers look like fools chasing over a bargain. i still see the piano on the ads, i wonder if she eventually sold it to some gullible fool?

there was another lovely baby grand put on sale recently too. but this seller refused to lower her price. it was priced close to 2k more than the yamaha and was twice the age. same length. similar make.

conclusion, if you intend to buy a piano, use it. selling it second hand may not be easy. unless you are willing to let it go cheap..which in this world, people don't want to 'lugi' so much.

reflective p

pretty amused by all the hullabaloo going on as the election day draws closer.

feels like a stirred up concoction of soil and water, it's all murky now. people getting all emotional with how 'oppressed' we've been under all these years. and how something 'new' will literally set us free.

i often walk pass this koi bubble tea at clementi. i read people craving for their gong cha over the facebook news feed. yet till now, i've not tried it nor do i think i'll do so any time soon. shortly after the success of koi, recently i got to know more of such bubble tea shops popping up.

it's like a reminiscence of the bubble tea bubble some years back. remember how so many bubble tea shops sprouted so rapidly, people were queuing for it..and then after a short period of a year, many folded.

i'm not sure if such a stir-up is exactly good. does it help us make better decisions?

i don't like the fact because the stir up is in its ever all time high that i am seeing unknown people coming in to contest for a bit of a pie.

for now i'm going to take a indifferent stance. so much for rising costs, i'm going to off to work to bring back more. i know to stay ahead is much how i want to deal with it, instead of pointing finger at the government for doing not enough to help. am i even trying to help myself to begin with?

ill fitting me

i think my waredrobe is getting very out of date. i can't remember when was the last time i bought a new dress. the latest additions were giveaways from friends.

i look at fashion with little interest these days. i'm not sure what suits me as i hardly go shopping..and hence i don't try on many new clothes either.

i browse some online blogshops but i cannot imagine myself in those tubes, dresses and skirts.

as my clothes grow ill fitting, i pack them into bags and tuck them into the store room.

strangely, many of the clothes i used to like somehow seem really out of fashion sense..and for some reason i am finding them sticking on my body at the wrong places.

so a part of me is thinking i ought to go out shopping more. another part of me looks at myself and wonder what should i be wearing. then the last part of me looks at my expenditure list and think i can probably put off shopping for another month or so (i'm thinking my money can be saved up for a holiday or grand instead?)

can't figure what to do with myself. =(

broke my mug

I broke the magnetic mug my mum gave me. Remember the last time I broke my mug when I was leaving vv in dec 2009. I received my confirmation letter on 18 april and I broke my mug on 19 april. Is that a sign that my days are numbered? O_O

I am gradually finding more focus in my work these days. It is about that edge over others. I do lack those years of experience compared to many around me, but what can I then excel upon? What do I have that others may not or may have neglected in developing? Can I find something that I can specialize at, such that it helps me narrow that differential between my colleagues and I?

And so, I found there can be things I can be good at and if I did it to my best, it can give me some leverage. But it means asking more questions, finding more answers, seeking to understand things beyond face value, thinking ahead of what may be asked instead of scrambling for an answer only when questioned.

Will this way work? No one can tell but it’s worth the try.

poli-what?

i'm no political correspondent or observer.. but just a few observations as ge draws nearer.

we watched the questions with pm programme yesterday and it made me think.

the burning issues that have been asked repeatedly(like a broken record).. my first thoughts were: these are things that are not caused by the government. why not blame the rising prices on natural disasters and food shortages. food at its source is getting more expensive.. naturally we will see that cup of kopi costing us more now.

i think workforce these days is mobile. globalisation. when singaporeans move to work in a foreign land, aren't we foreign talent too? would we not hope those countries will welcome us and not shut us off like plague?

creating more jobs. upgrading of skills. these are the ways we will stay competitive. so will you rather the government hands out billions of welfare every year..people rather live off welfare than seek employment? (i can already think of a country which is facing this problem)

we lament foreigners taking away our jobs..but how many out of us are ready to take on construction work.. retail work? we are choosy to begin with. those from the foreign lands are willing to take on anything that earns them a decent living.

oh yes..and about the priority in upgrading of estates. logically think about it. if another party is in ruling, will that party give the opposition priority such upgrading projects too? will they not consider their own parties' constituencies first? aiya, it's human nature right?

dearie received a handout on someone contesting in our constituency whom i've never met..nor did his introduction seem to contain any work amongst the dwellers here. why would you make me think you make a representation to our views? just because you have some roll of scholastic achievements? i dumped the handout away shortly after glancing through it. i don't think i'll want to vote him for the sake of 'not voting the ruling party'..nor will i want to vote for someone who only appears during ge.

i think even if some other parties ruled our country, those issues will not dissipate over night. these will still be issues tussled over and over again. not simply just faced by us, but in fact globally.

while everyone is just concerned of the problem itself, why not make change at the source? if we are losing out in terms of employment, then retraining and upgrading is the way to stay ahead, if not on par. it's about time we shed that pampered child attitude and expect our parents to continue to fill our pockets when we are not even taking effort to earn ourselves a decent living.

i hope i don't find blue men knocking at my door for coffee. =P

how much more is needed

i had the privilege to attend the project dinner organised by the ceo. it's an honour getting to know and be introduced to him.

i was the smallest in the group of 10. the group made up of managers, head, deputy head..while i was just a mere executive.

it made me really want to do more and move up faster. knowing i am not gifted, i must work harder. then again, there must be opportunities. if i do not get the opportunities, how then can i at least earn some brownie points in the meantime?

to be honest i don't know too.

studying feels abit out of scope. i cannot afford the fees of another course though i won't mind allocating time to do so.

volunteer somewhere which can gain more relevant experience? like what?

sign up for some short courses perhaps? do u know how costly courses are these days?

dearie says i think too much.. just do my best in excelling in what i do now..take things one at a time..

but i feel for someone like me, a lateboomer, i do have to catch up on lost time. like i've grown up in a not so well to do environment, the scarcity of money taught me to value it more.

work hard. very hard. and let's hope it will get me somewhere!

work never ends

work has been hectic. i barely had time and energy to run much in the past week. i only managed to run twice of 8km each. it's pathetic.

overtime feels like a friend now.

busy but i am learning alot. it's difficult but at least i feel i'm pushing my limits each time.

finally got my confirmation too. yay!

my boss asked me if work is interesting. i replied, "hmm. challenging."

i felt i've been strolling in the park in the past. now i'm running; chasing to catch up with the rest.

i actually had to bring work home to go through over the weekend. now i'm trying to get access to work too.

dearie said i should give up the part time job. but i do enjoy the work there. boss is nice. kids are nice. work is relatively easy too. and it's extra cash i can get to save up too.

for the many reasons, i have to keep my head up and keep treading on!

crash out access

i've never been a very technically inclined person. i remember crying over a crashed pc which i helplessly could not handle.

i'm here trying my hands on microsoft access. a programme i've never used before. attempting to use it for treasury management.

i'm wondering if i'm being 'backside itchy'. there are afterall reports which have been created for the various functions; i can easily just keep up with them. yet, i am trying to find a better way around it. centralise the information. integrate the sources of information so that it can be easily available in one place. find ways to improve the processes, make it less manual.

but it's really making my head crack. it's like a trial and error process here. i do not have access in the office. to get it installed will mean license cost. i have to be very sure i need it before i justify the need to have it installed. in the meantime, i am still grappling with how to use it, how can i possibly justify?

i need a dummy's guide.

am i trying too hard?

my boss says it's value add. but i am not even sure if i'll be adding value at the end of it? until i can make things work in access, i have to keep up with the current reports. so it's like parallel running 2 things. it'll be worth the work if we know the new way will take off. however, for now, it's still a big question mark.

so what else?

I constantly have to remind myself of the things I can do to better utilize my time.

Things that don’t cost me anything or much:

1. Read – started reading the book dearie helped me borrow from NTU business library. Fooled by Randomness. I am already feeling it is a good read and I might want to get my hands on a copy to keep.

2. Practise the piano – this is something I can definitely do more about..but I’m always full of excuses about it. I think I make too much noise; I need a silent piano. I think my current piano sound unpleasant; I need a new piano. After going round and round the bush, it all boils down to this – I don’t play and practice enough to sound good. That’s the truth which I am trying to hide from; giving excuses that I need a new piano in order to reignite my fervor for playing.

3. Read more Chinese books and newspapers – I do need to polish up on my Chinese. I miss reading my zhang xiao xian novels..but I can’t seem to find any pdf versions of them to download. I’m wondering if I can retrieve my old copies of her novels from the store room and re-read them all over again. Then again, I’m unsure where are they sitting in my mummy’s storeroom.

4. Self study – that’s a big big thing I need to do..which is seemingly vague, isn’t it?

Things that will cost me much:

1. Learn a new language – via classes. I’ve got no idea how much it’ll cost me, but I’m sure it’ll be a long term investment (spanning over 2-3years at least) and long term commitment to attend classes

2. Go for a 1 year course on something – I have yet to figure what that something can be. Real estate management? Economics? Do the CFA (which will probably take me a lot longer than 1 year and heaps more effort/brain cells)?

3. Buy a new piano (a grand will be so nice) and start some lessons perhaps – it’ll be nice to start learning again. Nice is the word. But no practicality in it though. I don’t intend to retake my diploma again because I have no confidence I can commit the time and effort into the process. I don’t think I am talented and I know because I do not have the flair, I need to put in double if not triple the effort.

4. Find more income generating work – I can see dearie mumbling, “what?!” when he reads this. But I think I have enough drive to do more. But realistically, I can’t think of any part time job flexible enough to fit into the time I have left. This is more like a want-to-do (if I have 48hours a day) but cannot-do.

And so, conclusion is, i have to do more than what I am doing now. I need to find time, get rid of excuses and prioritise what I have to do. After all, this second spent will never come back again. We only live this life once.

needless blog & things

why am i feeling this sense of detachment from blogging these days?

feels like i've grown out of this space. maybe there's less i want to let others know.. and more i'll like to hide within my walls of defense.

i am working my way through the school of hard knocks. painful but necessary.

i am learning to give thanks more than whine about things. at least i have made it so far, though the sky seems limitless.

still waiting for a holiday. but the word is wait. it's not time yet.

almost time for work soon.

i feel an impetus to go shopping. buy some new things for myself and dearie. you know? pretty things. new shoes. new clothes. new bags. that sort of things that's classified more of wants than needs. needless. useless at times. but like chocolates, they give u some momentary happiness when you first hold them in your hands. i just feel like i should do some needless things! haha.

a little more won't harm

entries on this blog have slowed down by a whole lot.. which is pretty contrary to what is happening at work. which is not altogether a bad thing.

and so, pace at work has picked up a whole lot. time passes so quickly. alot to learn.

i walked into clarke quay for the first time in my life. i have often walked pass but have never walked into it. it's a nice place. i never expected it to look so good honestly.

managed to practise a little on the piano. i still sound horrible. and i still wish i had a new piano though i definitely don't deserve one.

wanted to officially retire my asics cumulus but i still put it back to my shoe rack in case i needed it. the plan was to go for seoul marathon first half of this year. however, due to the new job, it'll have to be put on hold. asics running shoes there are priced cheaper than those in singapore. i doubt i'll get any holiday from now till 3rd quarter this year. so meantime, i'll make do with the tempo and see how long more the verona can last.

it will be good to have more to go around..then i won't be thinking if i have budget for things which will be nice to have. maybe i might be a little more generous to those around me? haha.

alright. got to research on fct perpetual preference shares and read my cash mangement book. this will help my work next week. jia you!

difficult people

needs to find some means to deal with a difficult colleague at work.

broken piggy

exceeded my monthly budget big time this month. half of it went to cny ang pao =(

i am going to ensure this will not continue in a trend. i will have to average it out next month. i feel like leaving my wallet at home tomorrow and monday.

i saw a friend sharing photos of her online loots and i started to wonder how come she has so much money to go around?

call me weirdo but i actually feel insecure when i don't save a good proportion of my income. i start to conjure ideas of taking up some tuition assignments so i can save more.

not that i am trying to hoard up cash..but i think having liquid assets is important. i hope we can diligently save up to be able to make some significant investments for the future. while i wish i can do more shopping, have more pretty clothes etc, all these do not bring us to greater financial freedom. work hard now, enjoy later.

light upon my feet

Tomorrow marks my 1 month with the company. As I reviewed where I have progressed to and what have I accomplished, I was in dismay.

I was in this state of uncertainty and I was somewhat regretting the decision to move into this company.

Dearie had to give me numerous counselling sessions to get me to think rationally.

Finally I found a breakthrough today. Somehow things fell into place and I am really blessed in how people around me form an important support group in my life.

So the sequence goes:

Early this week I started to think I should not waste my time here. I was resigned to the fact that I will need to stay here for at least 2 years but I did not want to just let time pass. I started to toy with the idea of studying. Maybe go for CFA. And so I asked around and checked online.

An ex classmate who has been in the banking sector all her career told me CFA is similar to MAF; not necessary. I checked online and realized to obtain CFA I will need 4 years of relevant experience. And for what constitutes relevant experience, I think at this point in time, I have gathered zero relevant CFA experience.

Dearie told me even if I don’t do the CFA, I can still do self-study and learn on my own. But of course, I will need to exercise self discipline.

After staff comm yesterday, I felt so small in the organization, I thought I should quit. Leave this 1 month off my resume and find a new job. At this juncture, dearie and John advised I should stay on and not just give up after 1 month. I actually felt it was more like a no-choice thing. Since I made the decision and given my not-so-impressive track record, I must stay.

I think God gave me an opportunity to strike a conversation with a fellow executive on the way out to lunch today. Apart from blessing me with John as lunch kaki (and free drink which he treated me), I had the chance to start talking to this particular colleague.

After I returned from lunch, I walked over to his seat to talk. We then went on to share our previous working background and our journey with this company so far. There are many similarities between both of us:

1. Both of us are pretty new in the company. He has been here 6 months. This is my 1st month here.

2. We are of similar age. In fact, another fairly new exec is also around the early 30s. So it’s a trend we are seeing here.

3. We were both from SME background.
4. We held accountant positions before this and both were bsbh accountants.
5. Our ex (for me is ex-ex) companies was in Tuas area
6. We stay in Yew Tee

I shared with him my uneasiness on KPIs, work and portfolio. He explained his learning experience and what he observed things worked here. My heart felt so relieved upon hearing his experience. I thought I was the only person feeling useless and alienated. I was not alone. He told me to persevere and hold on too.

I am grateful to have family and friends who form a support group to me and they are the people who give me different perspectives to things. Even ex-colleagues showered concern on how I am getting on. I am in constant contact with ex and ex-ex colleagues. They are friends; more than merely colleagues. I treasure these relationships I build in the last jobs I’ve held. I believe we go to work not merely just to complete tasks set out for us, organizations is made up of people. In every job, we learn to work with people. I am blessed with good colleagues (though there are always some buggers in every workplace) whom I can work well with. Some of them I can even share personal things with. =)

Somehow the road ahead looks more lighted up now. Travelling on is only possible because I know I will always have some hands to hold upon should I stumble.

not-so-happy new year (yet)

Rain is falling. Markets tumbling. Egypt in protest. Cyclone hitting Australia. The world is in somewhat a disaster mode. What a way to start the lunar new year.

We were looking forward to the break over cny but now we aren’t even sure if we can travel back. Many towns in Malaysia are ravaged in floods. We need a hovercraft!

I do hope things will work out and turn out good.

Things at work are somewhat still crawling. Maybe it’ll get better after cny. i do hope there’ll be more than just the shreds and bits I am seeing now. My scope still seems like a big fuzzy image which I still can’t make out. With quite a bit of time at hand, my mind started to wander again. Feeling like Malcolm in the middle, I thought of what it takes to inch forward. Because of the tardy progress in these 2.5 weeks, I am somewhat discouraged.

I found a job description on the server for my position. From it, I thought I actually made 1 step back from where I was previously. I was reminded of what Jamie told me; about finding jobs that bring me forward than backward. Think of a rubix cube. I should be solving the puzzle and getting the colours right more each day. I should not be messing things up more and relearning and creating more havoc. At this 2.5 weeks mark I feel I am creating more mess than good. =(

I accepted this position because I felt I was new in this industry and I should give myself time to perform and move up. But the uncertainty gnaws on me now. It is that impatience bug feeding on my confidence again.

How long do I need to make things work? What if I am here 3 years and still stuck in the executive position? I thought about possibly promoting to senior accountant if i have stayed on in my last company.

What can I do to accelerate my progress? I feel I cannot just sit here and wait for experience to accumulate. There must be more I can do!

Am I starting to regret my decision to move? A little. Is this a good choice? I am not absolutely sure for now. Can I hold on for 3 years? I will try my best to. Will I perform well enough to deserve confirmation? I need a better idea of the KPIs because I don’t see them clearly for now. I will have to draft the KPIs and clarify with my boss once I am sure of my full scope of work.

For now, all I am hoping is to head back to Malaysia asap. Because only by doing so, I can get my mind off work and the company.