small like a single grain of sand

the immersion programme has been great so far. enjoyed the property run on day 1. gained much from the presentations by different business units' senior management.

the same thoughts and emotions flooded me again. feeling all small and insignificant, hoping i could do more to contribute to the big picture.

what is evident is the dynamism of the business and scale of the organisation. but i cannot exactly picture where my position is in the midst of it.

what value do i bring?

i know what reports i need to complete. i know when i need to complete them. i know who are helping me make sure i get them done. i know when i need to start placing out funds. i know who i should call and who will decide on the tenor. i think the work is some what defined. yet, what can i do to add value is not defined. perhaps i think too much. just do my job and get paid. simple isn't it?

there's something in me that tells me i must aim higher. i don't want to spend the next 5-10years updating spreadsheets. i don't just want to be just someone who ensures i close my books on time, get my reports out on time and updates cashflow projections. i hope one day i can be that someone who can stand on somewhere higher and make significant decisions. but i ask myself how far is it from here to there? how to get there? when can i get there? what must i do to get there?

unlike studying, i know how many modules i must complete. i know what are the assignments and exams i must clear. i know definitely when i fulfill the required credits, i will obtain that qualification. but now for career, it is not so. it's so fuzzy and you can't even see what kind of a path you are going down. will it hit a dead end? could i be merely walking on the spot? am i being impatient?

a mentor will be really good to have. someone who has gone down the same road and walked out of it well.

someone who can tell me, i am just a grain of sand, but i am part of something bigger.

worth it

tomorrow dearie will be taking his last paper of his course. jia you! the finishing line is so close now!

the journey is hard but i'm sure it's worth every effort. we will look back and give thanks that we chose to take the less trodden path. =)

dust settles

i refrained from facebook in the last few days because all the comments put up by friends were too much to bear. i cannot fathom why are people so repulsive?

all i read are complaints after complaints. some were mean and blatant. it'll be too much work to start hiding all those mean comments, hence i chose not to log on.

there is no right or wrong, but i do think we must stop complaining and start counting our blessings too. singaporeans are very affluent. most of us are well educated and hold jobs which earn us a decent living. we are always fast to criticise and lament (oops, i feel guilty of that too!). what about counting our blessing and giving thanks?

be less critical of others, unless you like to be criticised. who are we to judge in the first place?

although i do have opinions of some candidates, but i think it takes boldness to step up and take lead. how many of us can do that?

hope all the dust will settle and rants will cease soon. instead of criticising ceaselessly, if it's that unbearable, why don't they just pack and leave? move on to somewhere they feel will offer them equal opportunities, listen to them and act in their benefit. it'll definitely be better than creating all that negativity.

piano marketplace

i've been checking out piano sale ads on ebay and soft forum everyday; it is hard to value a piano. i see reposts of certain pianos repeatedly. it is very hard to sell pianos. how do sellers fairly value them? how much are buyers willing to pay?

not too long ago, someone posted a yamaha baby grand at a very attractive price. i called her up and was told she'll get back to me. moments later, she raised the price by 60%. she didn't honour her initial price, making potential buyers look like fools chasing over a bargain. i still see the piano on the ads, i wonder if she eventually sold it to some gullible fool?

there was another lovely baby grand put on sale recently too. but this seller refused to lower her price. it was priced close to 2k more than the yamaha and was twice the age. same length. similar make.

conclusion, if you intend to buy a piano, use it. selling it second hand may not be easy. unless you are willing to let it go cheap..which in this world, people don't want to 'lugi' so much.

reflective p

pretty amused by all the hullabaloo going on as the election day draws closer.

feels like a stirred up concoction of soil and water, it's all murky now. people getting all emotional with how 'oppressed' we've been under all these years. and how something 'new' will literally set us free.

i often walk pass this koi bubble tea at clementi. i read people craving for their gong cha over the facebook news feed. yet till now, i've not tried it nor do i think i'll do so any time soon. shortly after the success of koi, recently i got to know more of such bubble tea shops popping up.

it's like a reminiscence of the bubble tea bubble some years back. remember how so many bubble tea shops sprouted so rapidly, people were queuing for it..and then after a short period of a year, many folded.

i'm not sure if such a stir-up is exactly good. does it help us make better decisions?

i don't like the fact because the stir up is in its ever all time high that i am seeing unknown people coming in to contest for a bit of a pie.

for now i'm going to take a indifferent stance. so much for rising costs, i'm going to off to work to bring back more. i know to stay ahead is much how i want to deal with it, instead of pointing finger at the government for doing not enough to help. am i even trying to help myself to begin with?

ill fitting me

i think my waredrobe is getting very out of date. i can't remember when was the last time i bought a new dress. the latest additions were giveaways from friends.

i look at fashion with little interest these days. i'm not sure what suits me as i hardly go shopping..and hence i don't try on many new clothes either.

i browse some online blogshops but i cannot imagine myself in those tubes, dresses and skirts.

as my clothes grow ill fitting, i pack them into bags and tuck them into the store room.

strangely, many of the clothes i used to like somehow seem really out of fashion sense..and for some reason i am finding them sticking on my body at the wrong places.

so a part of me is thinking i ought to go out shopping more. another part of me looks at myself and wonder what should i be wearing. then the last part of me looks at my expenditure list and think i can probably put off shopping for another month or so (i'm thinking my money can be saved up for a holiday or grand instead?)

can't figure what to do with myself. =(

broke my mug

I broke the magnetic mug my mum gave me. Remember the last time I broke my mug when I was leaving vv in dec 2009. I received my confirmation letter on 18 april and I broke my mug on 19 april. Is that a sign that my days are numbered? O_O

I am gradually finding more focus in my work these days. It is about that edge over others. I do lack those years of experience compared to many around me, but what can I then excel upon? What do I have that others may not or may have neglected in developing? Can I find something that I can specialize at, such that it helps me narrow that differential between my colleagues and I?

And so, I found there can be things I can be good at and if I did it to my best, it can give me some leverage. But it means asking more questions, finding more answers, seeking to understand things beyond face value, thinking ahead of what may be asked instead of scrambling for an answer only when questioned.

Will this way work? No one can tell but it’s worth the try.

poli-what?

i'm no political correspondent or observer.. but just a few observations as ge draws nearer.

we watched the questions with pm programme yesterday and it made me think.

the burning issues that have been asked repeatedly(like a broken record).. my first thoughts were: these are things that are not caused by the government. why not blame the rising prices on natural disasters and food shortages. food at its source is getting more expensive.. naturally we will see that cup of kopi costing us more now.

i think workforce these days is mobile. globalisation. when singaporeans move to work in a foreign land, aren't we foreign talent too? would we not hope those countries will welcome us and not shut us off like plague?

creating more jobs. upgrading of skills. these are the ways we will stay competitive. so will you rather the government hands out billions of welfare every year..people rather live off welfare than seek employment? (i can already think of a country which is facing this problem)

we lament foreigners taking away our jobs..but how many out of us are ready to take on construction work.. retail work? we are choosy to begin with. those from the foreign lands are willing to take on anything that earns them a decent living.

oh yes..and about the priority in upgrading of estates. logically think about it. if another party is in ruling, will that party give the opposition priority such upgrading projects too? will they not consider their own parties' constituencies first? aiya, it's human nature right?

dearie received a handout on someone contesting in our constituency whom i've never met..nor did his introduction seem to contain any work amongst the dwellers here. why would you make me think you make a representation to our views? just because you have some roll of scholastic achievements? i dumped the handout away shortly after glancing through it. i don't think i'll want to vote him for the sake of 'not voting the ruling party'..nor will i want to vote for someone who only appears during ge.

i think even if some other parties ruled our country, those issues will not dissipate over night. these will still be issues tussled over and over again. not simply just faced by us, but in fact globally.

while everyone is just concerned of the problem itself, why not make change at the source? if we are losing out in terms of employment, then retraining and upgrading is the way to stay ahead, if not on par. it's about time we shed that pampered child attitude and expect our parents to continue to fill our pockets when we are not even taking effort to earn ourselves a decent living.

i hope i don't find blue men knocking at my door for coffee. =P

how much more is needed

i had the privilege to attend the project dinner organised by the ceo. it's an honour getting to know and be introduced to him.

i was the smallest in the group of 10. the group made up of managers, head, deputy head..while i was just a mere executive.

it made me really want to do more and move up faster. knowing i am not gifted, i must work harder. then again, there must be opportunities. if i do not get the opportunities, how then can i at least earn some brownie points in the meantime?

to be honest i don't know too.

studying feels abit out of scope. i cannot afford the fees of another course though i won't mind allocating time to do so.

volunteer somewhere which can gain more relevant experience? like what?

sign up for some short courses perhaps? do u know how costly courses are these days?

dearie says i think too much.. just do my best in excelling in what i do now..take things one at a time..

but i feel for someone like me, a lateboomer, i do have to catch up on lost time. like i've grown up in a not so well to do environment, the scarcity of money taught me to value it more.

work hard. very hard. and let's hope it will get me somewhere!

work never ends

work has been hectic. i barely had time and energy to run much in the past week. i only managed to run twice of 8km each. it's pathetic.

overtime feels like a friend now.

busy but i am learning alot. it's difficult but at least i feel i'm pushing my limits each time.

finally got my confirmation too. yay!

my boss asked me if work is interesting. i replied, "hmm. challenging."

i felt i've been strolling in the park in the past. now i'm running; chasing to catch up with the rest.

i actually had to bring work home to go through over the weekend. now i'm trying to get access to work too.

dearie said i should give up the part time job. but i do enjoy the work there. boss is nice. kids are nice. work is relatively easy too. and it's extra cash i can get to save up too.

for the many reasons, i have to keep my head up and keep treading on!

crash out access

i've never been a very technically inclined person. i remember crying over a crashed pc which i helplessly could not handle.

i'm here trying my hands on microsoft access. a programme i've never used before. attempting to use it for treasury management.

i'm wondering if i'm being 'backside itchy'. there are afterall reports which have been created for the various functions; i can easily just keep up with them. yet, i am trying to find a better way around it. centralise the information. integrate the sources of information so that it can be easily available in one place. find ways to improve the processes, make it less manual.

but it's really making my head crack. it's like a trial and error process here. i do not have access in the office. to get it installed will mean license cost. i have to be very sure i need it before i justify the need to have it installed. in the meantime, i am still grappling with how to use it, how can i possibly justify?

i need a dummy's guide.

am i trying too hard?

my boss says it's value add. but i am not even sure if i'll be adding value at the end of it? until i can make things work in access, i have to keep up with the current reports. so it's like parallel running 2 things. it'll be worth the work if we know the new way will take off. however, for now, it's still a big question mark.

so what else?

I constantly have to remind myself of the things I can do to better utilize my time.

Things that don’t cost me anything or much:

1. Read – started reading the book dearie helped me borrow from NTU business library. Fooled by Randomness. I am already feeling it is a good read and I might want to get my hands on a copy to keep.

2. Practise the piano – this is something I can definitely do more about..but I’m always full of excuses about it. I think I make too much noise; I need a silent piano. I think my current piano sound unpleasant; I need a new piano. After going round and round the bush, it all boils down to this – I don’t play and practice enough to sound good. That’s the truth which I am trying to hide from; giving excuses that I need a new piano in order to reignite my fervor for playing.

3. Read more Chinese books and newspapers – I do need to polish up on my Chinese. I miss reading my zhang xiao xian novels..but I can’t seem to find any pdf versions of them to download. I’m wondering if I can retrieve my old copies of her novels from the store room and re-read them all over again. Then again, I’m unsure where are they sitting in my mummy’s storeroom.

4. Self study – that’s a big big thing I need to do..which is seemingly vague, isn’t it?

Things that will cost me much:

1. Learn a new language – via classes. I’ve got no idea how much it’ll cost me, but I’m sure it’ll be a long term investment (spanning over 2-3years at least) and long term commitment to attend classes

2. Go for a 1 year course on something – I have yet to figure what that something can be. Real estate management? Economics? Do the CFA (which will probably take me a lot longer than 1 year and heaps more effort/brain cells)?

3. Buy a new piano (a grand will be so nice) and start some lessons perhaps – it’ll be nice to start learning again. Nice is the word. But no practicality in it though. I don’t intend to retake my diploma again because I have no confidence I can commit the time and effort into the process. I don’t think I am talented and I know because I do not have the flair, I need to put in double if not triple the effort.

4. Find more income generating work – I can see dearie mumbling, “what?!” when he reads this. But I think I have enough drive to do more. But realistically, I can’t think of any part time job flexible enough to fit into the time I have left. This is more like a want-to-do (if I have 48hours a day) but cannot-do.

And so, conclusion is, i have to do more than what I am doing now. I need to find time, get rid of excuses and prioritise what I have to do. After all, this second spent will never come back again. We only live this life once.

needless blog & things

why am i feeling this sense of detachment from blogging these days?

feels like i've grown out of this space. maybe there's less i want to let others know.. and more i'll like to hide within my walls of defense.

i am working my way through the school of hard knocks. painful but necessary.

i am learning to give thanks more than whine about things. at least i have made it so far, though the sky seems limitless.

still waiting for a holiday. but the word is wait. it's not time yet.

almost time for work soon.

i feel an impetus to go shopping. buy some new things for myself and dearie. you know? pretty things. new shoes. new clothes. new bags. that sort of things that's classified more of wants than needs. needless. useless at times. but like chocolates, they give u some momentary happiness when you first hold them in your hands. i just feel like i should do some needless things! haha.

a little more won't harm

entries on this blog have slowed down by a whole lot.. which is pretty contrary to what is happening at work. which is not altogether a bad thing.

and so, pace at work has picked up a whole lot. time passes so quickly. alot to learn.

i walked into clarke quay for the first time in my life. i have often walked pass but have never walked into it. it's a nice place. i never expected it to look so good honestly.

managed to practise a little on the piano. i still sound horrible. and i still wish i had a new piano though i definitely don't deserve one.

wanted to officially retire my asics cumulus but i still put it back to my shoe rack in case i needed it. the plan was to go for seoul marathon first half of this year. however, due to the new job, it'll have to be put on hold. asics running shoes there are priced cheaper than those in singapore. i doubt i'll get any holiday from now till 3rd quarter this year. so meantime, i'll make do with the tempo and see how long more the verona can last.

it will be good to have more to go around..then i won't be thinking if i have budget for things which will be nice to have. maybe i might be a little more generous to those around me? haha.

alright. got to research on fct perpetual preference shares and read my cash mangement book. this will help my work next week. jia you!

difficult people

needs to find some means to deal with a difficult colleague at work.

broken piggy

exceeded my monthly budget big time this month. half of it went to cny ang pao =(

i am going to ensure this will not continue in a trend. i will have to average it out next month. i feel like leaving my wallet at home tomorrow and monday.

i saw a friend sharing photos of her online loots and i started to wonder how come she has so much money to go around?

call me weirdo but i actually feel insecure when i don't save a good proportion of my income. i start to conjure ideas of taking up some tuition assignments so i can save more.

not that i am trying to hoard up cash..but i think having liquid assets is important. i hope we can diligently save up to be able to make some significant investments for the future. while i wish i can do more shopping, have more pretty clothes etc, all these do not bring us to greater financial freedom. work hard now, enjoy later.

light upon my feet

Tomorrow marks my 1 month with the company. As I reviewed where I have progressed to and what have I accomplished, I was in dismay.

I was in this state of uncertainty and I was somewhat regretting the decision to move into this company.

Dearie had to give me numerous counselling sessions to get me to think rationally.

Finally I found a breakthrough today. Somehow things fell into place and I am really blessed in how people around me form an important support group in my life.

So the sequence goes:

Early this week I started to think I should not waste my time here. I was resigned to the fact that I will need to stay here for at least 2 years but I did not want to just let time pass. I started to toy with the idea of studying. Maybe go for CFA. And so I asked around and checked online.

An ex classmate who has been in the banking sector all her career told me CFA is similar to MAF; not necessary. I checked online and realized to obtain CFA I will need 4 years of relevant experience. And for what constitutes relevant experience, I think at this point in time, I have gathered zero relevant CFA experience.

Dearie told me even if I don’t do the CFA, I can still do self-study and learn on my own. But of course, I will need to exercise self discipline.

After staff comm yesterday, I felt so small in the organization, I thought I should quit. Leave this 1 month off my resume and find a new job. At this juncture, dearie and John advised I should stay on and not just give up after 1 month. I actually felt it was more like a no-choice thing. Since I made the decision and given my not-so-impressive track record, I must stay.

I think God gave me an opportunity to strike a conversation with a fellow executive on the way out to lunch today. Apart from blessing me with John as lunch kaki (and free drink which he treated me), I had the chance to start talking to this particular colleague.

After I returned from lunch, I walked over to his seat to talk. We then went on to share our previous working background and our journey with this company so far. There are many similarities between both of us:

1. Both of us are pretty new in the company. He has been here 6 months. This is my 1st month here.

2. We are of similar age. In fact, another fairly new exec is also around the early 30s. So it’s a trend we are seeing here.

3. We were both from SME background.
4. We held accountant positions before this and both were bsbh accountants.
5. Our ex (for me is ex-ex) companies was in Tuas area
6. We stay in Yew Tee

I shared with him my uneasiness on KPIs, work and portfolio. He explained his learning experience and what he observed things worked here. My heart felt so relieved upon hearing his experience. I thought I was the only person feeling useless and alienated. I was not alone. He told me to persevere and hold on too.

I am grateful to have family and friends who form a support group to me and they are the people who give me different perspectives to things. Even ex-colleagues showered concern on how I am getting on. I am in constant contact with ex and ex-ex colleagues. They are friends; more than merely colleagues. I treasure these relationships I build in the last jobs I’ve held. I believe we go to work not merely just to complete tasks set out for us, organizations is made up of people. In every job, we learn to work with people. I am blessed with good colleagues (though there are always some buggers in every workplace) whom I can work well with. Some of them I can even share personal things with. =)

Somehow the road ahead looks more lighted up now. Travelling on is only possible because I know I will always have some hands to hold upon should I stumble.

not-so-happy new year (yet)

Rain is falling. Markets tumbling. Egypt in protest. Cyclone hitting Australia. The world is in somewhat a disaster mode. What a way to start the lunar new year.

We were looking forward to the break over cny but now we aren’t even sure if we can travel back. Many towns in Malaysia are ravaged in floods. We need a hovercraft!

I do hope things will work out and turn out good.

Things at work are somewhat still crawling. Maybe it’ll get better after cny. i do hope there’ll be more than just the shreds and bits I am seeing now. My scope still seems like a big fuzzy image which I still can’t make out. With quite a bit of time at hand, my mind started to wander again. Feeling like Malcolm in the middle, I thought of what it takes to inch forward. Because of the tardy progress in these 2.5 weeks, I am somewhat discouraged.

I found a job description on the server for my position. From it, I thought I actually made 1 step back from where I was previously. I was reminded of what Jamie told me; about finding jobs that bring me forward than backward. Think of a rubix cube. I should be solving the puzzle and getting the colours right more each day. I should not be messing things up more and relearning and creating more havoc. At this 2.5 weeks mark I feel I am creating more mess than good. =(

I accepted this position because I felt I was new in this industry and I should give myself time to perform and move up. But the uncertainty gnaws on me now. It is that impatience bug feeding on my confidence again.

How long do I need to make things work? What if I am here 3 years and still stuck in the executive position? I thought about possibly promoting to senior accountant if i have stayed on in my last company.

What can I do to accelerate my progress? I feel I cannot just sit here and wait for experience to accumulate. There must be more I can do!

Am I starting to regret my decision to move? A little. Is this a good choice? I am not absolutely sure for now. Can I hold on for 3 years? I will try my best to. Will I perform well enough to deserve confirmation? I need a better idea of the KPIs because I don’t see them clearly for now. I will have to draft the KPIs and clarify with my boss once I am sure of my full scope of work.

For now, all I am hoping is to head back to Malaysia asap. Because only by doing so, I can get my mind off work and the company.

no options

i hate the weather; it is making me miss all my runs. argh.

missed yesterday's run. missed this morning's run. so the plan is to run tonight. sleep early and pack another run tomorrow morning perhaps?

haven't got to do my jian shen cao too. but at least this week i am waking and leaving for work earlier. i still need to inch in by another 10mins more on non-running days. my discipline to wake up for runs is still prone to waver. i seem pretty 'deaf' to my run alarms. so, the remedy is to set another morning run alarm 15mins after the first. that leaves me with no excuse to be deaf!

progress at work is still slow. bored much of the time. one manager said they are giving me time to warm up. but i don't want to become a bench warmer =(

i conjured ideas of some noon workouts. i can't do my jian shen cao at my desk though. what choices do i have? we don't have shower facilities either. unless i join a gym. but i don't want to pay for one. so that leaves me with no options except to run in the morning or evening.

then i had ideas of home cooked packed lunch. but what can i cook? something i can cook overnight and just tapao to work? can't think of anything at this point. again, no options.

i managed to play the piano last night but i sounded dreadful. i should (how do i make this a must?) practise more.

there must be something i can do about these! someone help me think of something!

first week review

I was intending to do a first week review on the new job but wondered if it’s a little too early to be reviewing anything. And so I penned words while feeling lost during the first few days of the first week. I shall not publish them as they do seem really immatured.

The advice is I need to give myself more time. It reminded me of the similar helpless feeling during last year. Many things were new then too. Only this time around, it a lot different in terms of organization size, hierarchy, systems and scope.

And so, I am still adjusting. It was heartening during orientation this morning to find another newbie who is as lost as I am. The lady sitting next to me has begun work here 3 weeks ago and comes from a sme background too. we can relate to the ‘waa’ feeling in terms of the way things are done in a sme compared to a big organization.

No matter what, my goal is a minimum 3 years here. I keep repeating this to myself. Even if it’s going to be hard, I must hang on. It’s like the Subaru challenge. If I know I am going to win the car by holding my hand there and not move, I will do so till I pass out. For this case, my career is at stake; something worth more than a Subaru car definitely. I want to make this right and I want my career to be railed on track. For so long I have been moving, wanting to chug up higher onto the mountains. This might just be the break. I am holding on to it. 3 years AT LEAST!

I came up with this little schedule which I printed and pasted into my notebook. It’s a schedule of how I want to work my weeks. I am pretty glad with myself as I managed to wake up around 540am and head out for a run and did a brief core workout. The aim is to clock at least 40-50km a week. If I even can do it, squeeze in a biking session on Sunday early morning.

Apart from this, I allocated time for housework, part time work, meal with mummy and rest & relax time with dearie. =) I hope this helps to organize my life a little better.

Update: I overslept on the run this morning. Argh. I must do better!