follow the True North

team True North has some major shifts..and now comprises of : Tony, Richard, Neo and I.

found out this qx person who was initially asked to join the race, is a real snob head. bleah. attitude problem lor.

well, at least in place of him we've got tony instead.

Richard's bo ge and i'm pai ka. Make Tony and Neo do all the running. The 2 patients can ride all the way..hehehe.. tall hope.

was a little disappointed chew and eng had to pull out as they wanted to join the saca race instead. nonetheless, up till this point, from my scarce interaction with the 2 new team mates, they seem like nice people. this is Tony's first AR and i heard from Richard he's a strong runner. Keep our fingers crossed, i hope all things go well for us.

Go True North!

friday jo would be removing the stitches for me. as i cleaned it today, one side of it still isn't looking too good. hope it will heal well by friday. aunt has gotten me fish essence and i've been religiously taking them for the past 2 days.

contemplating if i should pick up my dip again. after the long talk with james, the piano tuner, i do agree it's a waste giving up so easily just because i failed. pride issue again..how am i going to go back to mr ng?..i really disgraced him ..i must be one of the few students under him who fails. sigh.

yea. i bidded imca goodbye. still finding it hard to swollow and my heart still aches. perhaps let it remind a dream in my life..which i might once again attempt..in the years to come.

to ease the pain, i'll be building my ti bike. ho ho ho!!

pride lesson

i had a heated arguement with my mum just now. i asked her if it was ok if i painted my room today and she gave an insistent no. even as i tried to cajole her into letting me to, her reply still stood firm. "no, 1-2 days more".

i was infuriated by that and i demanded to do it today.

"today! i want to do it today!"

slam. my mum slammed my phone.

that left my heart, mind and spirit in turmoil. should i just stand by what i want to do and go ahead with it? or should i let down my pride, i pick another day?

i wrestled with my stubborness until i gave in and told the Lord, "Father, teach me what to do."

immediately, i felt a sense of peace that calmed my spiritman. and i heard words resounding in my heart like it was speaking right next to my ear.

"there is definitely another day you can do it."

"is it so hard to let your pride down?"

"if you can teach your youths submission, why aren't you doing it yourself? if you can't be teacheable, how can you teach your youths?"

"there is a win win situation. only if you choose it."

i struggled. yes, i really struggled. tricia is a fighter, but she is letting her pride down again. she is allowing the Lord to mould my pride all over again.

i told God.

"Yes, there are other days i can do it. But, wed n fri evenings i want to go down to the pool to observe lifesaving...u know.. (i tried to give myself reasons to substantiate my point. yet for a moment i stopped. and it felt all nullified)"

"yes, it is hard to let down my pride. but Lord, teach me how i can do it."

"i want to be teacheable. teach me so i can teach my youths."

"yes, i want to choose a win win situation. i want my mum to be happy. she means too much to me."

then eph6:1 came to mind.

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right."

i picked up the phone wanting to call my mum, but only to put it down again.

struggles again.

i already know the answer. i will do it on wed. i can wait.

picked up the phone and called my mum.

"mummy, can i do it on wednesday?"

"wednesday? yea..i can consider that."

"wednesday la. ok?"

"yea. ok. meantime you don't move around so much. tomorrow we're going to the hospital. remember that. eat your lunch ya?"

"thanks, mummy."

i feel so happy in my spirit, i can't describe it. i feel so happy, so loved and so relieved.

it feels i passed a test God put me through. i learnt another valuable lesson. i know i have taken another step to maturity.

yes, there can always be a win win situation, only if we choose it.

paint-me-happy

i woke up filled with expectations today. will be embarking on my paint-me-happy project a little later in the after noon.

adrian chum would be bringing white paint over so we can whitewash the walls..it'll be a hell lot of moving things here and there but i believe it'll be worth every bit of effort.

tomorrow, after the white paint sets in, we'll give it new coats of green and yellow.

it'll soon look different.

like dw said..it's a fresh beginning.

alvinstar

alvin star.

after i came home from a day of walking, i went to dig out old mails. really old mails..dating from 1995 to 2000.

i found mails from alvin. one of them was a paper on which he pasted glow-in-the-dark stars on a paper and he wrote the mail around the stars.

to a special friend, he wrote.

you were a very special friend who took a special place in my heart too. even now and forever.

i teared. i really miss you. i am sorry i didn't talk to you for 5 years. i yearn so much to call you and just hear your voice. but i know i can never do that again.

packing the mails back into the ikea doggy box, i followed to push it back onto the top of my waredrobe. maybe it'll be another 6 years before i bring them all out to look at again, i thought.

as i went back to my bed, i found something lying on my bed. a star from alvin. it has fallen.

walking, breathing, having fun

i finally got to go out today. freddy did me a favour and brought me out. thank you for walking at the snail pace with me and lending me your hand for support. i appreciate it.

after all the walking, my thigh is now swelling big time. but it is worth every bit the pain. i bought my backpack to run with!! my new toy is the gregory spectrum. 31L. big! i'm such a gregory fan. heh heh heh.

i'm now officially a fan of:

1. kipling
2. gregory
3. saucony shoes
4. mizuno shoes
5. adidas apparel

that's about it for now. but like usual, i'm still a butterfly, lime green, raspberry pink gal. laughs!

what happened?

i guess many are wondering what in the world happened to tricia. since i took a pic of the wound (under wraps), might as well just post it here.

surgery on my left thigh. fell off the bike while mountain biking at bt timah (downhill near diary farm). the left brake lever impaled into my left thigh. they slit open 10cm, washed the wound inside, took the lever out and sewed 7 stitches.

recover soon!

i drew this for myself. recover soon, tricia.

my tears rolled down over and over again.

depend on no one.

i am relearning this lesson again today.

couldn't even walk to the provision shop 2 blocks away. every step was a struggle.

couldn't climb a flight of 7 steps. 3rd step i felt the stitches pull.

i slowly walked 2 steps back down.

and i dragged my injured leg on the ground while my good leg treaded on.

can anyone understand how that felt? i use to run 70km per week, now i can't even walk 2 blocks worth of distance.

my cheeks had been wet over and over again. my heart aches so badly.

the I questionaire

I AM: a fighter; a girl who doesn't give up without a fight.
I WANT: to live each day with happiness and thanksgiving.
I WISH: i can swim, bike and run under the sun right now. but i can't.
I HATE: being a burden to others and not being to complete what i start out doing.
I MISS: the warmth of a hug which made coldness of solitude dissipate to nothingness.
I FEAR: living a life of regrets.
I HEAR: 2 voices in me most of the time. one says "give up", the other, "hang on".
I WONDER: if i'll ever find the significant other. (skeptical look)
I REGRET: not leaving all my regrets at the feet of my Lord.
I AM NOT: afraid to die. but i will not die without a good fight.
I DANCE: best when no one is looking.
I SING: pie jesu, opera-style, in the wee hours of the night when i'm alone in my room. (and i do find it therepuetic to much an extent)
I CRY: when i find pain (physically or mentally) too much for me to bear.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: strong.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: , my body and my mind, fulfilment of dreams.
I WRITE: so that i can express what is in my mind.
I CONFUSE: all the diagraphs, trigraphs and whatever graphs. phonics is tough. haha.
I NEED: my Father's love every day.
I SHOULD: love myself more.
I START: the race knowing it is one i will finish.
I FINISH: knowing that the process has made me stronger.
I LOVE: challenges that make it push myself to the limits.
I REMEMBER: my mother stroking my head, telling me to be strong.

i don't want to quit

i am in a bad shape.

i don't want to give up on my ironman dream.

i want to walk, run, jump, swim, bike and do whatever i want again.

i need my Father's healing touch.

even a fighter cries.

i'm running towards my dream

i am tired. woke up at 7am again. i don't know how in the world am i going to find the time to do my long bike ride. sheesh. my brain's kind of in the shut down mode.. and i'm suppose to push it to run with me to cali. maybe i should lure myself with a chocolate treat at the end of the run but i've already gotten my lunch packed in my bag. so.. sigh.

did my 3.8km swim trial yesterday. 1hr 38mins.. i wonder if that'll be good enough to get me thru the im 2hr 25mins cut off. got to keep going more mileage, drills and intervals.

still trying to find a 2nd hand thomson elite seat post.. if i can't get it by next weekend, i'll probably buy a brand new one. no choice!

it's a big big big dream and i'm just running, running, running after it!

ok..running out now. i'm not just running to cali for that matter of fact.. i'm running towards tricia's im dream. =) smile gal!

it's in the mind

weeeeeeeeeeeee~ opportunity of a lifetime!! chew asked if i wanted to join him for atc. i was like "WOW! REALLY?!?!" i know he's been a competitive racer for the longest time..and he knows how slow i basically can run..and how cannot-make-it my mtbiking is.. but yet he asked. i was totally blown away. *grins* eng said all 3 of them would take turns to tow me.. haha

chew, eng and i formed the FRM gang yesterday.. after BT we headed to the coffee shop (coz i refused to join them for butterfly). all 3 of us are using the FRM escape frame.. eng's white (same as mine but his bike is better spec-ed) and chew rides a black frame. both of them are really experienced riders and i benefitted much just riding with them and learning from them how to tackle the trail and control my bike better. chew has always been a mentor to me and i really appreciate his friendship much.

keng found a 12th boater to join in the group and i found freddy. after checking with freddy, keng and isabel if it's ok that we formed 2 teams.. since chew's team is short of 1 gal and we have 3 guys+isabel, we can form 2 seperate teams. i'll move over to join chew and isabel will stay on with the 3 other guys. this is so cool.

my team would be chew, eng, xiao-nui and i.
bel's team would be isabel, keng, freddy and unknown 12th boater.

chew and eng are much more patient compared to my sabah team mate. though they are strong and fast, they do not complain waiting for me. i can even hear chew jamming his brakes to slow down during the downhill while riding behind me (shows how slow i am) though i know he would probably have just gone down the downhill without slowing down. i hope the race would go well for us and i really do have to train hard to better match up with 3 of them.

got my mum a new wallet for mother's day yesterday. costly, but she deserves the best.

had dinner with my parents yesterday at a thai eatery. it's been quite a while since we last sat together like that. somehow we had a great time. really. and there was forgiveness i felt. the dinner was in celebration of my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. 30years is a long time. my bro is now 29 and i'm 25. holding a marriage for 30years. wow.

wanted to make carrot wonton this morning but it seems that the wonton skin have been left in the fridge for way too long..even after dabbing water onto the corners of the skin, it can't stick together. hence i simply cooked the carrot and i'll just eat it as such for lunch later.

adrian chum came up with this brilliant reward system to help motivate me with my training. with the points earned, i can then use it to redeem for treats like strawberry yoghurt, soya ice cream and ah-pui bao. COOOL!!

i saw JJ lim while jogging to orchard yesterday. wayne, we used to know him as during sajc days. he's changeed ALOT since then. i would call him a xiao-beng now.. somehow i still prefer wayne from the former days. down to earth and his songs then were less complicated..only with his guitar and a nice voice, he would sing.

took a 2 hour run to orchard before stopping at tanglin mall to talk to chum over the phone. reached plaza sing and i started running down to dad's shop near clarke quay mrt before the rain started. it was a nice long run..haven't ran that long since i came back from sabah.. i thought i would succumb to flaging down a bus and just hopping onto it. isn't it such an easy way out? but i held on coz i know i am getting nearer to it already. if i can do a sabah race, what is running from cck to orchard..or in this case to clarke quay?

sometimes, it's all just in the mind. -smile-

am i falling sick soon?

i've been amazingly tired this week. i woke up this morning feeling my body isn't mine.

been having weird bizarre dreams too. i dreamt i walked to my primary school via sophia road. along way, there was a guy who started playing the piano.. i peered through the window and just saw this man there playing the piano like music lived within him. not wanting to be discovered, i walked on to my primary school only to find it locked (obviously, it was at night then).. and i made a turn back.. with the intention to pass by that house once again.

somehow that reminded me how long i haven't touched my piano since i gave up on the dip.

i'm in a similar situation now. thats sense of "even if i tried, would i have made it feeling".

the conversation with cw yesterday left me with alot of afterthoughts. where has tricia's motivation gone to? is she headed for the wrong direction with all the wrong reasons? is imca a dream that's drifting further and further away beyond my grasp?

alot of questions, i asked. alot of answers, i wish i found.

i said i just want to keep moving. i am scared to stop because i don't know where the tide would wash me to.

tricia needs an imaginary friend who would tug her out of bed in the morning. she needs an imaginery friend who would bike and run with her each morning. doing it alone can be uber boring, especially so now that her flashdrive mp3 player has broken down. why isn't anyone giving her one of those portable radio freebies? these days i'm often getting calculator freebies. gee. i want a radio! i want a radio!!

i went to nap in between typing this blog..and guess what..i woke up with sore eyes.. my shoulders hurt. sigh.

am i falling sick soon?

raindrops keep falling on my head

drip drip drip

rain rain rain rain

drizzle drizzle

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

cannot bike

cannot run

can sleep

can stone

can daydream

oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOooo

my kor and sis-in-law bought me a nice necklace from their honeymoon in europe. really pretty.. will take a photo of it and post it up soon. though i'm not a necklace/accessories person..but it's really not often my bro gets stuff for me.. so it's special =)

long day at warren tomorrow. praying for no rain during the charity golf event tomorrow. i don't mind the hot sultry sun!

next race up? hopefully port dickson half marathon with isabel in may. akan datang!

nightmare

as i moved my hands through the back of my skull and then back into sight, there was blood. my hands were stained in blood. i sat up still in a state delirium. everything flashed across my mind. it happened way too fast.

on the dawn which i was suppose to cycle to macritchie and then to run, i sat up in my bed with a numbing sensation of fear that ran around my left rib cage. maybe it was an excuse on my part. but the nightmare made me decide to stay home for the morning and not cycle down. perhaps that was a sign. a premonition. an omen.

putting my initial plans aside, i settled for the lesser - ran 30mins to work. probably do my usual noon jog and 3sets of stairs later. tonight i'll be having lifesaving. determined to sleep early tonight. i want to do my bike and run tomorrow instead. so it'll be biking (on my market bike) to macrit, do my 10km run and then bike to work.

i'm short of a 12.8km run and ez bike. since i'll be riding down to spe pool and back for swim training, that'll make up for the ez bike. 12.8km run. 2 morning of running to work would make up 7km. i'm still 5.8km short. will have to find somewhere to slot that in.

still having alot of complications with the injured left rib cage. the pain torments me and impedes my training. totally undesirable. my mum got me 'tian qi' to consume. it's suppose to help with the blood circulation etc etc.. i think it should be a little too potent..i actually woke up with a sore throat this morning. koff koff.

na na's coming home! yay yay yay!! i'll only be able to bring it back on sat.. will pop by c2c, cycle it down to rl, work then cycle it home. busting my progress package on this overhaul. gee. nonetheless my bike deserves to be repaired. with the broken spoke, worn cogset, rusted chain, worn tires, faulty shifters..it was really in a bad shape.

shoots..after a morning in school.. my mind's kind of numb and switched off.. wake up, wake up tricia.. hehehe

happiness defined....

i have reasons to be happy..reasons to smile.

i am happy coz i completed sac. though last team in the extreme category but it was an achievement for me. no way was i physically competent for the race but i just gritted my teeth and held on.

our 3 days journey brought us through many peaks and valleys mentally and physically. it gave me a better idea of what adventure racing is all about. pushed my limits to a higher treshold. allowed me to discover how much trashing my body can actually tolerate. the mind is amazing. even when my body says no, when my mind says yes, it will still go on.

i am happy coz my mummy is happy. that elation on her lovely face as she told me of her speech that won her a pen.. she's been taking a interpersonal and communication skills course for a couple of weeks now and she has benefitted loads from it. most of all, she gained more confidence when relating to people. i smile, simply because i see my mummy smile.

i am happy because i have many friends who care. i have friends who would help me move my bike up and down numerous buses from sg to customs to city lounge to senai..then from senai to larkin to customs back to sg. thank you, adrian chum. i have friends who would pop me a slab of chocolate when i come back from the gruelling 9hrs race, help me wash my bike, tell me to note that my spoke has broke and comfort me with words of encouragement after a long day's running and biking. thank you, dex. i have friends who have kept me going on, kept an eye on me and stopping to tell me "c'mon, let's do it".. thank you, grace, teckwee and jameson.

i am happy because i have alot of colleagues who care too. thanks for all the prayers =)

in life there are just so many things that can put us down..but we can choose to give thanks. we can choose to count our blessings, instead of the worries.

happiness is how we define of it.

i choose to be happy. =)

quickie from sabah

with 6mins off the meter.. i'm just trying to pen some quick thoughts at sabah.

sitting in the common area of trekkers' lodge right now.

sunday did hash..it's like a trek activity that goes on every mon,wed,fri,sat,sun. fun..tough..tough.. tough.

today (tue) mtb..at this granite-y place. totally new experience. control was tough. but i guess i've got to get used to it. this IS offroad riding, i must say. singapore pales in comparison.

sac is 3 days away, i'm down with 2 huge blisters, 1 on each foot. it's bad bad bad. but i'm going to survive.. i'm just going to hang in there.. i don't travel so far to NOT complete. I MUST COMPLETE!!

and yes..i've been eating alot of things here. fat liao.. cham lor!

be back next monday. don't miss me too much ya? =P

decisions, decisions, decisions

decisions decisions decisions...

borneo global backpackers or trekkers' lodge?

change chain or don't change chain? (don't change. weiliang says new chain on old cogset might cause some shifting problems)

room or dorm? (room for the safety of my belongings.. and since aman said i can hang out with them)

c2c or rollite?

change tires or don't change tires? (don't change)

talking to adrianchum...another decision

tricia the fighter says: go earlier = cheaper = spend more time in airport
adrianchum says: woohoo
tricia the fighter says: go later = more expensive = spend less time in airport

have to decide if we'll be taking from larkin or city lounge.

decision: city lounge. more time to play with. we got exact timings of arrival..so no need to wait aimlessly.

i got my new prepaid number for malaysian phone. great! it's from digi..

oh shit. just found out trekker's lodge rooms are fully booked on the 9th. oh no oh no oh nooooooooooooooo!!

tying up with alan, my team mate. trying to get a place to stay.

alot alot alot of things to do.

it will turn out fine. it has to.

i need a bait

i actually feel unmotivated and sad.

sad that my training isn't undergoing the way i want it to. i just sit at my table watching time pass by and yet not doing anything about it.

sitting here and getting fat is just NO GO for me man.

i'll get my butt moving in 15mins. maybe the lure of the new shoes might just help!

couldn't resist it when i stepped into saucony shop 2 weekends ago..and i bought for myself a new pair of shoes. i had wanted to simply BROWSE at their cushioning shoes...however for some reason or another..i ended up BUYING their cushioning shoes. aww man.

do justice to my new shoes man. torture it with at least 20km of running later!!!!

let me see..what can i lure myself with?

a good breakfast. a nice lunch. a perfect dinner to end the day.

i feel like riding to habourfront later. not too sure the way. 3.5hours. i can go alot of places.

such guilt and agony not being able to finish my training. i better clear it up soon. let's see what's on the back log.

sat: 2.5hrs bike
sun: 1.5hrs run
mon: 9.6km run (say another 1.5hrs)
tue: 1hr bike
wed: 12.8km run (2hrs)

total: 3.5hrs bike + 5hrs run

yes..i missed that much. it is BAD! the only thing i've been doing is the mountain biking during noon time. haha..

might have to plan that in at night or something.

update.

- completed 6.5km run (1hr)
- completed 2.5hrs bike
- ran to work (30mins)
- bike this noon (1hr) pending

remainder: 2.5hrs run

tonight: lifesaving + 1.5hrs run

moving the 1hr run till tomorrow.

thurs morning: brick..instead of bike-run, i'll translate it to run-bike-run to make up for the 1hr run. hehehe..in this way, i'll be able to clear all the back log.

oh yes, i still haven't gone around wearing my new shoes. i thought i better save it till later. =)

yawns. sleepy.

yoko-yokoing my shoulder cap since this morning. koyoked it last night. aw man..after swim training yesterday, my right shoulder was in pain. could barely move it around. whacked too hard for the 100m and 200m..by the time i got to the 500m, i was barely able to move my arm.

keep my fingers crossed for lifesaving tonight..

i soooooooooo need to practise my chin and extended chin tow on someone..but i just don't know whom i can approach to do so. anyone around here who swims and doesn't mind drinking abit of pool water??

managed to clear all the downhill sections today during mountain biking! yipee.. only left with 1 last uphill to overcome. yes, the one near the sewage. i know i can do it, next week i'll continue to work on it.

one last item for the day.. life saving..then it's zoom home..bath, watch the last initial D dvd and go to bed. i'm freaking tired after yesterday night's 4hrs training.

gotten a new bouy from shifu..hopefully that makes kiap-ing of the it for dolphin kick easier.

yawns. gee. i AM tired. -_-