broke my mug

I broke the magnetic mug my mum gave me. Remember the last time I broke my mug when I was leaving vv in dec 2009. I received my confirmation letter on 18 april and I broke my mug on 19 april. Is that a sign that my days are numbered? O_O

I am gradually finding more focus in my work these days. It is about that edge over others. I do lack those years of experience compared to many around me, but what can I then excel upon? What do I have that others may not or may have neglected in developing? Can I find something that I can specialize at, such that it helps me narrow that differential between my colleagues and I?

And so, I found there can be things I can be good at and if I did it to my best, it can give me some leverage. But it means asking more questions, finding more answers, seeking to understand things beyond face value, thinking ahead of what may be asked instead of scrambling for an answer only when questioned.

Will this way work? No one can tell but it’s worth the try.

poli-what?

i'm no political correspondent or observer.. but just a few observations as ge draws nearer.

we watched the questions with pm programme yesterday and it made me think.

the burning issues that have been asked repeatedly(like a broken record).. my first thoughts were: these are things that are not caused by the government. why not blame the rising prices on natural disasters and food shortages. food at its source is getting more expensive.. naturally we will see that cup of kopi costing us more now.

i think workforce these days is mobile. globalisation. when singaporeans move to work in a foreign land, aren't we foreign talent too? would we not hope those countries will welcome us and not shut us off like plague?

creating more jobs. upgrading of skills. these are the ways we will stay competitive. so will you rather the government hands out billions of welfare every year..people rather live off welfare than seek employment? (i can already think of a country which is facing this problem)

we lament foreigners taking away our jobs..but how many out of us are ready to take on construction work.. retail work? we are choosy to begin with. those from the foreign lands are willing to take on anything that earns them a decent living.

oh yes..and about the priority in upgrading of estates. logically think about it. if another party is in ruling, will that party give the opposition priority such upgrading projects too? will they not consider their own parties' constituencies first? aiya, it's human nature right?

dearie received a handout on someone contesting in our constituency whom i've never met..nor did his introduction seem to contain any work amongst the dwellers here. why would you make me think you make a representation to our views? just because you have some roll of scholastic achievements? i dumped the handout away shortly after glancing through it. i don't think i'll want to vote him for the sake of 'not voting the ruling party'..nor will i want to vote for someone who only appears during ge.

i think even if some other parties ruled our country, those issues will not dissipate over night. these will still be issues tussled over and over again. not simply just faced by us, but in fact globally.

while everyone is just concerned of the problem itself, why not make change at the source? if we are losing out in terms of employment, then retraining and upgrading is the way to stay ahead, if not on par. it's about time we shed that pampered child attitude and expect our parents to continue to fill our pockets when we are not even taking effort to earn ourselves a decent living.

i hope i don't find blue men knocking at my door for coffee. =P

how much more is needed

i had the privilege to attend the project dinner organised by the ceo. it's an honour getting to know and be introduced to him.

i was the smallest in the group of 10. the group made up of managers, head, deputy head..while i was just a mere executive.

it made me really want to do more and move up faster. knowing i am not gifted, i must work harder. then again, there must be opportunities. if i do not get the opportunities, how then can i at least earn some brownie points in the meantime?

to be honest i don't know too.

studying feels abit out of scope. i cannot afford the fees of another course though i won't mind allocating time to do so.

volunteer somewhere which can gain more relevant experience? like what?

sign up for some short courses perhaps? do u know how costly courses are these days?

dearie says i think too much.. just do my best in excelling in what i do now..take things one at a time..

but i feel for someone like me, a lateboomer, i do have to catch up on lost time. like i've grown up in a not so well to do environment, the scarcity of money taught me to value it more.

work hard. very hard. and let's hope it will get me somewhere!

work never ends

work has been hectic. i barely had time and energy to run much in the past week. i only managed to run twice of 8km each. it's pathetic.

overtime feels like a friend now.

busy but i am learning alot. it's difficult but at least i feel i'm pushing my limits each time.

finally got my confirmation too. yay!

my boss asked me if work is interesting. i replied, "hmm. challenging."

i felt i've been strolling in the park in the past. now i'm running; chasing to catch up with the rest.

i actually had to bring work home to go through over the weekend. now i'm trying to get access to work too.

dearie said i should give up the part time job. but i do enjoy the work there. boss is nice. kids are nice. work is relatively easy too. and it's extra cash i can get to save up too.

for the many reasons, i have to keep my head up and keep treading on!

crash out access

i've never been a very technically inclined person. i remember crying over a crashed pc which i helplessly could not handle.

i'm here trying my hands on microsoft access. a programme i've never used before. attempting to use it for treasury management.

i'm wondering if i'm being 'backside itchy'. there are afterall reports which have been created for the various functions; i can easily just keep up with them. yet, i am trying to find a better way around it. centralise the information. integrate the sources of information so that it can be easily available in one place. find ways to improve the processes, make it less manual.

but it's really making my head crack. it's like a trial and error process here. i do not have access in the office. to get it installed will mean license cost. i have to be very sure i need it before i justify the need to have it installed. in the meantime, i am still grappling with how to use it, how can i possibly justify?

i need a dummy's guide.

am i trying too hard?

my boss says it's value add. but i am not even sure if i'll be adding value at the end of it? until i can make things work in access, i have to keep up with the current reports. so it's like parallel running 2 things. it'll be worth the work if we know the new way will take off. however, for now, it's still a big question mark.

so what else?

I constantly have to remind myself of the things I can do to better utilize my time.

Things that don’t cost me anything or much:

1. Read – started reading the book dearie helped me borrow from NTU business library. Fooled by Randomness. I am already feeling it is a good read and I might want to get my hands on a copy to keep.

2. Practise the piano – this is something I can definitely do more about..but I’m always full of excuses about it. I think I make too much noise; I need a silent piano. I think my current piano sound unpleasant; I need a new piano. After going round and round the bush, it all boils down to this – I don’t play and practice enough to sound good. That’s the truth which I am trying to hide from; giving excuses that I need a new piano in order to reignite my fervor for playing.

3. Read more Chinese books and newspapers – I do need to polish up on my Chinese. I miss reading my zhang xiao xian novels..but I can’t seem to find any pdf versions of them to download. I’m wondering if I can retrieve my old copies of her novels from the store room and re-read them all over again. Then again, I’m unsure where are they sitting in my mummy’s storeroom.

4. Self study – that’s a big big thing I need to do..which is seemingly vague, isn’t it?

Things that will cost me much:

1. Learn a new language – via classes. I’ve got no idea how much it’ll cost me, but I’m sure it’ll be a long term investment (spanning over 2-3years at least) and long term commitment to attend classes

2. Go for a 1 year course on something – I have yet to figure what that something can be. Real estate management? Economics? Do the CFA (which will probably take me a lot longer than 1 year and heaps more effort/brain cells)?

3. Buy a new piano (a grand will be so nice) and start some lessons perhaps – it’ll be nice to start learning again. Nice is the word. But no practicality in it though. I don’t intend to retake my diploma again because I have no confidence I can commit the time and effort into the process. I don’t think I am talented and I know because I do not have the flair, I need to put in double if not triple the effort.

4. Find more income generating work – I can see dearie mumbling, “what?!” when he reads this. But I think I have enough drive to do more. But realistically, I can’t think of any part time job flexible enough to fit into the time I have left. This is more like a want-to-do (if I have 48hours a day) but cannot-do.

And so, conclusion is, i have to do more than what I am doing now. I need to find time, get rid of excuses and prioritise what I have to do. After all, this second spent will never come back again. We only live this life once.

needless blog & things

why am i feeling this sense of detachment from blogging these days?

feels like i've grown out of this space. maybe there's less i want to let others know.. and more i'll like to hide within my walls of defense.

i am working my way through the school of hard knocks. painful but necessary.

i am learning to give thanks more than whine about things. at least i have made it so far, though the sky seems limitless.

still waiting for a holiday. but the word is wait. it's not time yet.

almost time for work soon.

i feel an impetus to go shopping. buy some new things for myself and dearie. you know? pretty things. new shoes. new clothes. new bags. that sort of things that's classified more of wants than needs. needless. useless at times. but like chocolates, they give u some momentary happiness when you first hold them in your hands. i just feel like i should do some needless things! haha.

a little more won't harm

entries on this blog have slowed down by a whole lot.. which is pretty contrary to what is happening at work. which is not altogether a bad thing.

and so, pace at work has picked up a whole lot. time passes so quickly. alot to learn.

i walked into clarke quay for the first time in my life. i have often walked pass but have never walked into it. it's a nice place. i never expected it to look so good honestly.

managed to practise a little on the piano. i still sound horrible. and i still wish i had a new piano though i definitely don't deserve one.

wanted to officially retire my asics cumulus but i still put it back to my shoe rack in case i needed it. the plan was to go for seoul marathon first half of this year. however, due to the new job, it'll have to be put on hold. asics running shoes there are priced cheaper than those in singapore. i doubt i'll get any holiday from now till 3rd quarter this year. so meantime, i'll make do with the tempo and see how long more the verona can last.

it will be good to have more to go around..then i won't be thinking if i have budget for things which will be nice to have. maybe i might be a little more generous to those around me? haha.

alright. got to research on fct perpetual preference shares and read my cash mangement book. this will help my work next week. jia you!

difficult people

needs to find some means to deal with a difficult colleague at work.

broken piggy

exceeded my monthly budget big time this month. half of it went to cny ang pao =(

i am going to ensure this will not continue in a trend. i will have to average it out next month. i feel like leaving my wallet at home tomorrow and monday.

i saw a friend sharing photos of her online loots and i started to wonder how come she has so much money to go around?

call me weirdo but i actually feel insecure when i don't save a good proportion of my income. i start to conjure ideas of taking up some tuition assignments so i can save more.

not that i am trying to hoard up cash..but i think having liquid assets is important. i hope we can diligently save up to be able to make some significant investments for the future. while i wish i can do more shopping, have more pretty clothes etc, all these do not bring us to greater financial freedom. work hard now, enjoy later.

light upon my feet

Tomorrow marks my 1 month with the company. As I reviewed where I have progressed to and what have I accomplished, I was in dismay.

I was in this state of uncertainty and I was somewhat regretting the decision to move into this company.

Dearie had to give me numerous counselling sessions to get me to think rationally.

Finally I found a breakthrough today. Somehow things fell into place and I am really blessed in how people around me form an important support group in my life.

So the sequence goes:

Early this week I started to think I should not waste my time here. I was resigned to the fact that I will need to stay here for at least 2 years but I did not want to just let time pass. I started to toy with the idea of studying. Maybe go for CFA. And so I asked around and checked online.

An ex classmate who has been in the banking sector all her career told me CFA is similar to MAF; not necessary. I checked online and realized to obtain CFA I will need 4 years of relevant experience. And for what constitutes relevant experience, I think at this point in time, I have gathered zero relevant CFA experience.

Dearie told me even if I don’t do the CFA, I can still do self-study and learn on my own. But of course, I will need to exercise self discipline.

After staff comm yesterday, I felt so small in the organization, I thought I should quit. Leave this 1 month off my resume and find a new job. At this juncture, dearie and John advised I should stay on and not just give up after 1 month. I actually felt it was more like a no-choice thing. Since I made the decision and given my not-so-impressive track record, I must stay.

I think God gave me an opportunity to strike a conversation with a fellow executive on the way out to lunch today. Apart from blessing me with John as lunch kaki (and free drink which he treated me), I had the chance to start talking to this particular colleague.

After I returned from lunch, I walked over to his seat to talk. We then went on to share our previous working background and our journey with this company so far. There are many similarities between both of us:

1. Both of us are pretty new in the company. He has been here 6 months. This is my 1st month here.

2. We are of similar age. In fact, another fairly new exec is also around the early 30s. So it’s a trend we are seeing here.

3. We were both from SME background.
4. We held accountant positions before this and both were bsbh accountants.
5. Our ex (for me is ex-ex) companies was in Tuas area
6. We stay in Yew Tee

I shared with him my uneasiness on KPIs, work and portfolio. He explained his learning experience and what he observed things worked here. My heart felt so relieved upon hearing his experience. I thought I was the only person feeling useless and alienated. I was not alone. He told me to persevere and hold on too.

I am grateful to have family and friends who form a support group to me and they are the people who give me different perspectives to things. Even ex-colleagues showered concern on how I am getting on. I am in constant contact with ex and ex-ex colleagues. They are friends; more than merely colleagues. I treasure these relationships I build in the last jobs I’ve held. I believe we go to work not merely just to complete tasks set out for us, organizations is made up of people. In every job, we learn to work with people. I am blessed with good colleagues (though there are always some buggers in every workplace) whom I can work well with. Some of them I can even share personal things with. =)

Somehow the road ahead looks more lighted up now. Travelling on is only possible because I know I will always have some hands to hold upon should I stumble.

not-so-happy new year (yet)

Rain is falling. Markets tumbling. Egypt in protest. Cyclone hitting Australia. The world is in somewhat a disaster mode. What a way to start the lunar new year.

We were looking forward to the break over cny but now we aren’t even sure if we can travel back. Many towns in Malaysia are ravaged in floods. We need a hovercraft!

I do hope things will work out and turn out good.

Things at work are somewhat still crawling. Maybe it’ll get better after cny. i do hope there’ll be more than just the shreds and bits I am seeing now. My scope still seems like a big fuzzy image which I still can’t make out. With quite a bit of time at hand, my mind started to wander again. Feeling like Malcolm in the middle, I thought of what it takes to inch forward. Because of the tardy progress in these 2.5 weeks, I am somewhat discouraged.

I found a job description on the server for my position. From it, I thought I actually made 1 step back from where I was previously. I was reminded of what Jamie told me; about finding jobs that bring me forward than backward. Think of a rubix cube. I should be solving the puzzle and getting the colours right more each day. I should not be messing things up more and relearning and creating more havoc. At this 2.5 weeks mark I feel I am creating more mess than good. =(

I accepted this position because I felt I was new in this industry and I should give myself time to perform and move up. But the uncertainty gnaws on me now. It is that impatience bug feeding on my confidence again.

How long do I need to make things work? What if I am here 3 years and still stuck in the executive position? I thought about possibly promoting to senior accountant if i have stayed on in my last company.

What can I do to accelerate my progress? I feel I cannot just sit here and wait for experience to accumulate. There must be more I can do!

Am I starting to regret my decision to move? A little. Is this a good choice? I am not absolutely sure for now. Can I hold on for 3 years? I will try my best to. Will I perform well enough to deserve confirmation? I need a better idea of the KPIs because I don’t see them clearly for now. I will have to draft the KPIs and clarify with my boss once I am sure of my full scope of work.

For now, all I am hoping is to head back to Malaysia asap. Because only by doing so, I can get my mind off work and the company.

no options

i hate the weather; it is making me miss all my runs. argh.

missed yesterday's run. missed this morning's run. so the plan is to run tonight. sleep early and pack another run tomorrow morning perhaps?

haven't got to do my jian shen cao too. but at least this week i am waking and leaving for work earlier. i still need to inch in by another 10mins more on non-running days. my discipline to wake up for runs is still prone to waver. i seem pretty 'deaf' to my run alarms. so, the remedy is to set another morning run alarm 15mins after the first. that leaves me with no excuse to be deaf!

progress at work is still slow. bored much of the time. one manager said they are giving me time to warm up. but i don't want to become a bench warmer =(

i conjured ideas of some noon workouts. i can't do my jian shen cao at my desk though. what choices do i have? we don't have shower facilities either. unless i join a gym. but i don't want to pay for one. so that leaves me with no options except to run in the morning or evening.

then i had ideas of home cooked packed lunch. but what can i cook? something i can cook overnight and just tapao to work? can't think of anything at this point. again, no options.

i managed to play the piano last night but i sounded dreadful. i should (how do i make this a must?) practise more.

there must be something i can do about these! someone help me think of something!

first week review

I was intending to do a first week review on the new job but wondered if it’s a little too early to be reviewing anything. And so I penned words while feeling lost during the first few days of the first week. I shall not publish them as they do seem really immatured.

The advice is I need to give myself more time. It reminded me of the similar helpless feeling during last year. Many things were new then too. Only this time around, it a lot different in terms of organization size, hierarchy, systems and scope.

And so, I am still adjusting. It was heartening during orientation this morning to find another newbie who is as lost as I am. The lady sitting next to me has begun work here 3 weeks ago and comes from a sme background too. we can relate to the ‘waa’ feeling in terms of the way things are done in a sme compared to a big organization.

No matter what, my goal is a minimum 3 years here. I keep repeating this to myself. Even if it’s going to be hard, I must hang on. It’s like the Subaru challenge. If I know I am going to win the car by holding my hand there and not move, I will do so till I pass out. For this case, my career is at stake; something worth more than a Subaru car definitely. I want to make this right and I want my career to be railed on track. For so long I have been moving, wanting to chug up higher onto the mountains. This might just be the break. I am holding on to it. 3 years AT LEAST!

I came up with this little schedule which I printed and pasted into my notebook. It’s a schedule of how I want to work my weeks. I am pretty glad with myself as I managed to wake up around 540am and head out for a run and did a brief core workout. The aim is to clock at least 40-50km a week. If I even can do it, squeeze in a biking session on Sunday early morning.

Apart from this, I allocated time for housework, part time work, meal with mummy and rest & relax time with dearie. =) I hope this helps to organize my life a little better.

Update: I overslept on the run this morning. Argh. I must do better!

small shrimp big sea

3 days into the job. I feel like a little shrimp swimming in a vast ocean. I used to boss around the little aquarium; now I can’t even see the end of the great ‘pool’. I’ve been ploughing through 2 files of treasury information and attempting to make sense of it. The sequence of matters seems somewhat jumbled up as I try to piece the bits together.

There is quite a bit of commotion happening elsewhere and I can’t be of much help. Sigh.

I have been lacking discipline for my morning runs. Trotting around in stilettos is taking its toil on me. Am I trying too hard to fit? Maybe I just lack the poise? I count 4 blisters and 1 bled today. The sight of bleeding made me wonder if I am fitting the right shoes.

I need to get some discipline instilled in myself. First I need to get my runs back again. i cannot make much plans for a marathon but the least I can do it to get more mileage. Clocking 40km weeks are getting harder. Maybe I am lazy. My aim is to maintain my 50km weeks. Now with this new job, evening runs will be difficult. I need to be as disciplined as the Chinese lady who never fails her daily park connector morning runs. i need to sleep earlier. I need to wake up on time.

Then I need to get myself out of house earlier. Aim is to leave home by 7am so I can reach office by 8am. This will give me time to do some reading and have breakfast. Currently I am still 15-20mins behind target. My life has to be pushed forward. Wake up earlier for run. Leave home earlier for office.

I have not much time for piano these days. So it’s good I didn’t rush into buying a grand some months back. I am trying to keep up with reading at least. Reading in the office. Reading on the way to office. Reading on the way home.

I am still getting used to the changes the new job brings. Changing habits is really tough. Sometimes I walk in feel I’m getting out of control. why am I not running as much as I want to? Why do I not have a plan on training these days? Why can’t I play the piano more? Why do I get home feeling so tired that I have not much strength for much? Why am I not cooking more dinners for dearie? I need to find a balance in it all. It is coming to terms with changes and adapting myself to them.

A A A all the way

Another 2 As in the bag! not me! hoho. it's dearie. he has a roll call of 6 As for his masters now. 1 more dissertation and 2 more modules. The finishing line is soooooooooo close now! all the way dearie!

I felt like a small country mouse in the big city. I like the intranet of the company. i like the detailed documentation of the accounts. There are many in-house systems used to capture different information, interfacing from one system to another. It was like waaa.. for us, it has always been excel spreadsheet based. i guess only big companies can afford to have their systems customized. There are many more things i was wow-ing over the entire day, which i shall not say here..else you might find me really like a toad in the well.

Another piece of good news for me. i was told i am given a pay raise for the part time job i am holding. 3 months into the job and i am getting a 12.5% increase in hourly rate. the work i do is really simple - collecting fees, updating collection list, updating contact list, do some cleaning, call students up to remind them of class change.. doesn't need alot of brain power. no politics. nice people. nice boss. i think that is why although i sometimes hate missing runs for work.. i am still holding on. i am intending to hold on to this for a while..because my boss is appreciating my work by giving me a raise =) my work is appreciated; it means alot alot to me. she doesn't need to wait for me to start hinting i want to quit, before she does something.

so, it's a good day. dearie with his AAAAAA. me with a pay raise and new job. that's nice for a start.hoho!

fighter watches the fighter

dearie and i caught this movie at jurong point gv today. the fighter watches the fighter.

the film is more than just fighting. i thought the cast brought life into the roles they played. scores a 9 for me.

turning early tonight for tomorrow's new change.

all done

i left the office at 7pm feeling happy with myself. i have completed what i set out to do before my last day. i sometimes think if i have made a hasty move; indeed 1 year here is somewhat short. i had not intended the job search to be an accelerated one. it was more like a see-look-survey intended exercise, but the position at my dream company opened and i was given a chance to take another step forward.

close to the end of the year i thought i have accustomed myself to the crisis mode of things. did i over-react? or perhaps it was a blessing in disguise.

i start a new chapter on monday. it feels like life in reset; it happened a year ago didn't it? building relationships over again. remembering names. remember which turn to make to my seat. remembering how to troubleshoot the printer if it fails to work.

i wore a big smile yesterday, knowing i have completed all the 2010 required reports. to me it adds the full-stop to the end of the sentence and i am glad i got to do it myself. this week was really hectic, having to work late for 4 out of 5 days. dearie has been my guardian angel - sending me dinner and picking me home. a big thank u to him! =)

he commented yesterday, "i don't want to spoil you ah.. next time it's harder to pick u up liao." =) no problem. next time working late will probably become norm. it's in town and mummy's around the corner. hoho!

we lose some we gain some. we let go to embrace the new.

look through the windscreen to the future. look back the rear mirror sometimes to reflect what we've learnt.

my new grand to say goodbye

my colleagues - amy and sew kin, got me this as farewell gift. they have been hearing so much of my grand dream that they have decided to fulfill it for me =)

gold keys wowowow!

it comes with lights that i can switch on. the crystals disperse the kaleidoscope of lights. in purple.

in blue

in red

and in green!

thank you so much. i love this grand. and i will really miss working with both of you. you have both taught me much and i really enjoyed my year here.

pedas

we have been enjoying blended chilli and cut up yellow/white chilli similar to that in the photo. all the chilli are planted by ma. directly fresh from her garden.

it is numbing hot. dearie has a special concoction to eat them. white chilli with minced garlic, mixed with ma's rocket brand soy sauce and sesame oil. the result, really good chilli that goes with beehoon, mee and anything else!

it made our dinner so hearty, it made the day a little better. oh, not forgetting the 8km run dearie did with me..during which he listened patiently to my rants for the day and kept reminding me to hang on for the next 8 days.

it will end soon. the old will pass and the new will come. =)

thank you dearie for helping me keep sane. thank you dw and john for listening to my rants this afternoon too. i appreciate it.